Wednesday, July 28, 2010

probably too personal but i'm tired so whatever

(picture from designmom)
Well I'm just going to put this out there because I'm feeling like I want advice and I'm too tired to be self-conscious enough to talk myself out of writing about this, though I'm sure I'll be mortified in the morning.

I've been on a baby kick for a while. I go through them every so often. This was has lasted a long while - pretty much since I helped deliver my sweet friend's little daughter back in March. The debate is not whether to expand our family but when (and yes we know we do not have any infertility issues but my heart bleeds for those who do and I love you and I wish I knew what to say or how I could help and I'm sorry if this post is insensitive to you and your situation- please be patient and understanding with me as I describe mine for the whole world blogosphere because I am a bit delirious and somehow this seems like a good idea right now). We've been married 5 years and together for about 6 years and I feel we are slowly approaching that point in our relationship where we are progressing towards having a child. So here are the considerations and yes I am totally the type of person who schedules having a kid (well hypothetically but not historically - inside joke).

1. We are moving in approxiamately 2 years even if I have to sell a kidney on the black market.

2. We are probably moving to California.

3. California is expensive, specifically LA where we will likely move (they're going to put me in the movies and all I have to do is act naturally...not really but LA is a different post).

4. So far as I can tell it would be easiest to either a. move to LA with a 1 year old so that he/she is old enough to be placed in day care whilst we both worked to pay for more schooling and life or b. not have a child till about a year after we move to California so I can have an established job and make sure I can continue to work after the birth, etc.

So that basically leaves me at having a kid in like a year and a half or something crazy soon or having a kid in like 4 years which puts me right at the 30 threshold. Granted 30 is not a bad time to have a baby but 38 or 40 is pushing it if we want to have 1-3 or 4 kids. Now the idea that I'm not ready to have a kid in like a year and a half should also be weighed with the fact that I've been saying 'maybe next year' or 'maybe in two years' for about 5 years. If you are wondering where my husband stands on this, he is pretty much game for whatever. Scared out of his mind but game for whatever. I also recognize that a kid doesn't need to be 1 year old when we move to California. But it makes it quite a bit easier (and less expensive) to place a 1 year old in day care then an infant, never mind the peace in my heart of not needed to place a little baby in some certified but nonetheless strangers hands. Also, for those who say I should just pray about it - um well the answer I've been getting for years is sorta like 'its a good thing and whenever it happens would be wonderful' type answer. Super helpful.

So could you ladies just tell me when I'm supposed to have a baby? ha. This sounds ridiculous. I sound like a crazy person. Who bases having a kid on when they are going to move? I guess I just want to know this - how did you know when it was the right time to start pursuing the expanding of your family?


Aleisha Z. Coleman said...

i live most of my exciting life vicariously, through friends like you. you know, trips around the world, pregnancies, etc. so the answer to my prayer (lol) is now please:) before you move, so i can get as much time as possible with jr. jo or jr. duhg. thanks for your consideration....i love you!

Tanya said...

Matt and I waited five years after we were married. Why? Because we married VERY young, and I was already very self-conscious about that, so the idea of having babies about five years later was supposed to PROVE to people we weren't stupid for marrying young. Yeah, that worked out. Anyway, this isn't helpful but I'm still going to say that whenever you do have a baby, you and Doug will be just awesome parents. I think it would be fun NOT to try not to get pregnant, if that makes sense. So then when it happens, your decision to do whatever is based on the here and now, not the "what if." I probably shouldn't give advice on little sleep.

Rachel B. said...

Oh man, do I ever hear you on this one (I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before . . . did you know I read it? Surprise!). I really struggled with this, not entirely because of timing specifically, but because the idea of having a baby just scared me to death . . . it seemed like such a huge, HUGE decision, and how do you just decide one day, Okay, now is the right time to create a human life and commit to raising it forever? It frightened me a WHOLE lot. Timing was also an issue--Jeff's in a doctorate program, I'm making very little money (and now that I'm 9 months pregnant and "retired", zero money), so now doesn't seem wise, right? But then again, will 5 years from now when he's setting up a practice and we're fighting to pay back our student loans sound any better? And if we wait until all THAT is taken care of, how old will we be?! I guess for me, what helped with the timing decision was realizing that if we wait for the quote-unquote perfect time, it will never happen--I really don't think you (the universal you, not you specifically) will ever hit a point in your life that just seems like, oh, okay, this is perfect! There is nothing in my life that a baby would disrupt right now! There will always be some factor that will make now seem like a bad time for having a baby. For me, what ultimately made up my mind that this was the right time for us to have a child (and Jeff was exactly the same as Doug--"whatever you want is fine"--not terribly helpful, right?) was reading my patriarchal blessing . . . there's a line that says something like my greatest joy in life will come from motherhood, and although I've obviously read it multiple times, that was the first time that part ever really stuck out . . . if it's really going to be my greatest joy, what do I keep putting it off for?

Anyway, this is getting really long, but I just read this post and it sounded SO much like my own thoughts on the subject, I had to add my two cents :-) Good luck with your decision-making, and don't regret posting this . . . I like getting a dose of this-is-what-I'm-really-thinking honesty every now and then in the ol' blogosphere.

Nat said...

Wow do I hear you. Our original plan was to get pregnant after a year of marriage. But then, same as you, every year I'd be like "um no still not ready maybe next year." So after 3 years when I thought about it I was like "well. . .i don't know if i'm ready, but i guess it wouldn't be terrible" - so pretty much we decided to go for it just because I was at least not AGAINST the idea like I had been for most of our marriage!! I know, it's a terrible story, I'll have to edit it when I tell our firstborn how we decided to have a child. Anyway I agree with you that scheduling issues do make a world of difference, and it probably will be easier to move with a 1yo old. I think there will never be a "good" time to get pregnant so you just have to look for the "least bad" time (lol) which sounds like soon. :) Good luck!

Leah Stone (Owner and Arts Management Consultant) said...

I am dealing with this same issue except I have you beat by over two years in age and Paul is just terrified of having kids, not do whatever you want. I wish I had the magic answer. If you really want advice I would say wait till Doug is done with school and then pop those babies out. ;) or you can go the other route, maybe we should just have our kids at the same time so we can talk on the phone everyday about the joys and pains of motherhood.

Heidi said...

I'm a little slow to respond so hopefully you still see this - but we finally decided by realizing that there wasn't any reason not to. We're in a little different place than you - in that we both have our schooling done (well I'm only done for now - but done enough) and we just decided that we know when we're in our 30s we want three or four kids so we better get started. Our solution for a long time was to not pray about it - because then you don't have to worry about the answer - sheesh I sound really spiritual huh? :) Well that didn't work forever so we made the leap by deciding there was no use putting it off. We're still not ready - but she's due in 2 days - so I guess we'll just get there as we go along...good luck! My heart goes out to you both!

Mama P said...

I am an old lady and like Heidi, late to respond, so my feelings aren't hurt if you never read this. First I must say the fact that you are able to decide when you are going to have a baby is something I could only dream about, heaven always decided for us, no matter what, and I mean no matter WHAT. So from experience, I say it will all work out. No one is ever really ready, no matter their age or exposure to babies. It's hard, inconvenient, tiresome, thrilling, emotional, degrading and heavenly all wrapped up together. No parent is perfect, but you do your best. Some of our greatest memories as parents are during the years when we were in school or training and were struggling with money. I started having babies at 22 and finished at 36. The younger I was, the easier it was on all levels. Remember you want to be there for as much of your children’s lives as you can and as active as you can through it all. Doug is wonderful and will be a wonderful dad, so surprise him. Don’t worry about waiting for him to think himself ready, or for the time to be just right. We are all on God’s time in the end.