Monday, January 30, 2012

a random post at last

a cute photo

(whitman - left w/ hat on, charleston - right w/ hoodie on)

a funny video (comedian Tom Papa - check him out on Youtube. He is funny and pretty clean)

I will endeavor to become a cinnamon-scented bean bag chair (must watch video to understand)

and lastly, a great song

if you like them, check out songs, Lesson No. 7 and Belongings

that's all for now. Feeling a bit like I live in the movie Groundhog Day and yet I'm not getting any better at juggling it all... someday perhaps

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

helpless heart

I'll never forget that day. November 15, 2011. It was the day after my birthday. They were both doing so well on my birthday. They came off breathing support and we got to hold them for an extra 30 minutes. I remember thinking that their improved health was a fabulous birthday present. I remember saying so on Facebook.
But only a few hours later, things changed.
I got a phone call early that morning. I wasn't inherently worried because I got a phone call from the NICU every morning, telling me how they were doing and preparing me for what I might see when I saw them each day. But that morning, the tone was different. From the moment I picked up the phone, I knew something was wrong.
The neonatologist told me that Whitman had developed an infection sometime in the night. He was on heavy breathing support and medication to fight the infection. I was told it was "very serious".
I hung up and began to sob. I ran to Doug and told him everything I could remember from the call and we practically ran to the hospital.
When we turned the corner to see the boys, I saw a large group of nurses and doctors gathered around Whitman. There were three times as many machines around him now too. I could almost hear my heart breaking.
Doug and I stood by his bed, holding his little hand, sobbing. Doug asked questions of the doctors and tried to understand the gravity of the situation as best as possible. I just stared at his little body moving up and down to the rhythm of the machine and listened to the constant beeps to tell me he was still alive. The nurses needed to give him another injection and Doug and I went into the hallway and collapsed with grief. We did the only thing we know what to do when something like this occurs - we prayed.
We begged God to spare our son. We promised Him anything and everything and offered what was left of our stolen and broken hearts.
That was the only time we left his bedside for days. I remember holding Charleston and feeling so guilty that I could hold him and not his brother. I felt guilty trying to enjoy that moment while my other son lay listless only feet away.
Mostly, I remember feeling completely and utterly vulnerable. I don't know when I gave these guys my heart. I certainly didn't intend to. I tried so hard to keep it guarded for fear of the pain but despite my best efforts, these boys have a key that I am incapable of getting back.

Sometimes I don't like them. Sometimes when I'm taping their swaddling blankets around their bodies so they'll sleep, I think about taping their mouths, or even better, their ever-poopy butts. And sometimes I fantasize about sleep. Ok, a lot of times I fantasize about sleep.
always I love them. I never thought about the consequences on my heart of having children. I knew I'd offer up my love but I never thought they would steal my whole heart.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

some photos for your brain

Charleston in the green shirt and Whitman in the gray

Boy are we going to have fun once they are smiling and giggling! The blog might become just a photo blog at that point... :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for giving so much to me. I SO appreciated and needed your many emails, and phone calls, and comments on my last post. Shortly after writing it, I had the best weekend I have had with these little guys. We went up a nipple size on the bottles and got some medicine for reflux and suddenly, feedings went from taking an hour and a half to half an hour and the boys didn't squeal the entire time they ate. Voila! Awesome!
I also read this post that was recommended by a wise and respected friend and I felt like it really spoke to me. Its exactly how I feel. I don't have to enjoy every minute. But I try to at least stop and enjoy a few minutes each day. kairos. perfect.
And my breasts still feel like they are going to fall off most of the time and I'm still insanely tired BUT it is getting ever so slightly better.


thank you. I appreciate your collective wisdom more than I can express.

(and more pictures of the boys coming soon :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

new momness

(charleston - left, whitman - right)

I'm not even sure where to start. Life is crazy right now. The first week of having them home was insanely hard. It was a tough adjustment for everyone. The second week we started to get a better groove but it was still a little rough trying to figure out how to do everything times two. This week and last we have had the in-laws around and its been easier in some ways and more challenging in others. Easier because they can take some of the feedings and changings and sorts but more difficult to figure out where/how to breast feed, for example.
Most days, though, are hard.
People tell me that things will get better and I'm really hoping that's true. They are great boys but it wouldn't matter if they were the baby Jesus, so little sleep is just rough.
The other challenges right now include -
1. I am now back at work part time for the next two months until I go back full time.
2. My milk supply is decreasing because I don't have as much time to nurse and I'm discovering that pumping without nursing doesn't produce big results.
3. I don't have as much time to add up a bunch of one hour sleep increments so I get less sleep and have more responsibilities.

and so on

But I don't want to complain. Rather, I want someone to tell me that kids are worth it. I want someone to tell me that these babies are going to be worth all the trouble and I'll start feeling that they are worth it for more than 5 minutes a day sometime soon. I know that sounds awful to say and don't get me wrong, I love them. Its just that a 2 second smile and a sweet momentary gaze once a day isn't really pulling me through long hours at night, feedings that take forever because they want to eat for 2 seconds and then quit for 20 min and then eat for 2 seconds, etc.

I'm complaining again. Sorry.

But as long as I'm on it, let me raise another complaint about being a new mom.


Seriously. What is this? I hate it. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty I don't bathe them more. I feel guilty that I don't smile at them more and that sometimes I question if I really want this new life I have and that my milk supply is decreasing. I feel guilty when I eat something that could give them gas or even when they do get gas. Mom guilt sucks.

I'm just excited for things to get better and dare I say, easier? Does it get easier? or more fun?

I need hope here people. Give me hope.


dang they're cute though