influencing breastfeeding: more than you ever wanted to know about my boobs

Breastfeeding twins is hard. The boys are pretty much exclusively eating pumped breastmilk that is fortified with weight gainer and has doses of medicine that they need in it. Pumping enough to feed two growing boys is really tough. Every single day I have to convince myself that I want to do this and that all this work is worth it. But I'm starting to realize that honing personal motivation is likely not enough to keep me going to at least May. SO I've come up with an Influencer plan.

I work for a fabulous company that essentially packages social science research. Influencer is a book and training geared toward effecting change (and Change Anything is the personal side of the Influencer coin). I actually applied the Influencer methodology to voter turnout for my thesis, but now I'm just getting geeky.

SO

I thought I would share with you my Influencer plan for breastfeeding. If some of you, like myself, have a hard time staying motivated to do this, perhaps this will help you as well. For me, sharing it publicly is actually a social motivation strategy.

I'll explain below.

First, lets see the model.

I'll share with you my strategy for each box. If you have further interest in this, you can either buy the books, ask me about training, or even check out ChangeAnything.com where you can develop your own change plan and have access to behavioral research that can assist you in your change plan.

SO here we go

1. Personal Motivation - while there are ways to develop personal motivation if you don't currently have it (i.e. Learn to Love what you Hate) I actually am strongly personally motivated. I just need to remind myself that I am when the personal costs start adding up. So I've developed a saying that I tell myself whenever its time to pump. "I want the BEST for my little men". I also had a friend of mine design a poster with this saying that I have placed in my office at work as a physical reminder of my personal motivation to pump at work. Again, I actually am very personally motivated - I just need to be reminded of this often.

2. Personal Ability - I've realized that exclusively pumping really sucks but it sucks worse when not equipped with knowledge. So I've upped my breast pumping ability by gaining resources on how to better do it. If you're curious, I now have a hands-free bra which allows me to not only work while I pump, but also allows me to extract more milk while pumping by also using my hands and not just relying on the pump. For an informative but slightly disturbing video (as in your staring at women milking themselves) go here. If you pump, this video is very helpful. I also take Fenugreek. This is an herbal supplement that has helped to increase my milk supply and make me smell like maple syrup. We have had more pancakes since.

3. Social Motivation - ah, harnessing the power of social pressure. Well, if you're a new mother, you are well aware of the pressure to breastfeed. It surrounds you. And if you have babies in the NICU, nurses are trying to get their hands on your breasts so they can milk you themselves. One way that I'm trying to get my peers on my team is by doing this blogpost. I need cheerleaders. I don't need people telling me its okay if I don't make it to 6 months breastfeeding the boys. I already know that and it just creates more excuses for me. So I have this post. I also have my husband who is constantly cheering me on and helping me to do whatever is necessary for me to pump, including taking late night feedings so I can just pump beside him and not have to do the feeding and changing on top of it.

4. Social Ability - I also have the support of my co-workers and boss, who have agreed not to bother me when my blinds are down in my office because they know I'm pumping. This is a big one. If my boss weren't on board, then he could easily trample on my pumping schedule just by requiring that I always be available or that I attend various extraneous meetings. My husband also effects my ability here. If he didn't take some of the feedings, I wouldn't be able to get enough sleep or eat enough to produce the amount I need to produce for the boys.

5. Structural Motivation - This one often goes unnoticed but its very important. For me, I have placed the pump right next to my keyboard at work or right on the end of the couch at home. This way I have very easy access to it and don't have to travel far to pump. I've also ordered cleaning accessories to make it quick and easy to clean the pump pieces. (Doug also cleans them often for me - more social support). I also have posters in my office, a paper chain counting down days till their 6 month birthday, and the big one - I have created a giant award for myself if I make it to 6 months and a picture of it in my office and in my pump bag as a reminder of the big reward. A BIKE. Yup. If I make it to six months then I am rewarding myself with a street bike that I can strap a baby boy to the back of and go for family bike rides. I have a mental image of Doug with one boy on the back of his bike and me with another and us blissfully riding around to various parks in the area. :)

6. Structural Ability - Blinds in my office was a must. If I didn't have this then I wouldn't be able to pump at work. The company actually paid for the blinds and installation. Awesome!

There are other components to the Influencer methodology, but I hope you can see the many different areas of influence and how I plan to use them to work for me, rather than against me. If you have suggestions that can further help me to stay the course till at least May 8th - please let me know.

Thanks everyone! Your support is so appreciated!

a random post at last

a cute photo

(whitman - left w/ hat on, charleston - right w/ hoodie on)

a funny video (comedian Tom Papa - check him out on Youtube. He is funny and pretty clean)




I will endeavor to become a cinnamon-scented bean bag chair (must watch video to understand)

and lastly, a great song

if you like them, check out songs, Lesson No. 7 and Belongings

that's all for now. Feeling a bit like I live in the movie Groundhog Day and yet I'm not getting any better at juggling it all... someday perhaps

helpless heart

I'll never forget that day. November 15, 2011. It was the day after my birthday. They were both doing so well on my birthday. They came off breathing support and we got to hold them for an extra 30 minutes. I remember thinking that their improved health was a fabulous birthday present. I remember saying so on Facebook.

But only a few hours later, things changed.

I got a phone call early that morning. I wasn't inherently worried because I got a phone call from the NICU every morning, telling me how they were doing and preparing me for what I might see when I saw them each day. But that morning, the tone was different. From the moment I picked up the phone, I knew something was wrong.

The neonatologist told me that Whitman had developed an infection sometime in the night. He was on heavy breathing support and medication to fight the infection. I was told it was "very serious".

I hung up and began to sob. I ran to Doug and told him everything I could remember from the call and we practically ran to the hospital.

When we turned the corner to see the boys, I saw a large group of nurses and doctors gathered around Whitman. There were three times as many machines around him now too. I could almost hear my heart breaking.

Doug and I stood by his bed, holding his little hand, sobbing. Doug asked questions of the doctors and tried to understand the gravity of the situation as best as possible. I just stared at his little body moving up and down to the rhythm of the machine and listened to the constant beeps to tell me he was still alive. The nurses needed to give him another injection and Doug and I went into the hallway and collapsed with grief. We did the only thing we know what to do when something like this occurs - we prayed.

We begged God to spare our son. We promised Him anything and everything and offered what was left of our stolen and broken hearts.

That was the only time we left his bedside for days. I remember holding Charleston and feeling so guilty that I could hold him and not his brother. I felt guilty trying to enjoy that moment while my other son lay listless only feet away.

Mostly, I remember feeling completely and utterly vulnerable. I don't know when I gave these guys my heart. I certainly didn't intend to. I tried so hard to keep it guarded for fear of the pain but despite my best efforts, these boys have a key that I am incapable of getting back.

Sometimes I don't like them. Sometimes when I'm taping their swaddling blankets around their bodies so they'll sleep, I think about taping their mouths, or even better, their ever-poopy butts. And sometimes I fantasize about sleep. Ok, a lot of times I fantasize about sleep.

But

always I love them. I never thought about the consequences on my heart of having children. I knew I'd offer up my love but I never thought they would steal my whole heart.

some photos for your brain

Charleston in the green shirt and Whitman in the gray

Boy are we going to have fun once they are smiling and giggling! The blog might become just a photo blog at that point... :)

thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for giving so much to me. I SO appreciated and needed your many emails, and phone calls, and comments on my last post. Shortly after writing it, I had the best weekend I have had with these little guys. We went up a nipple size on the bottles and got some medicine for reflux and suddenly, feedings went from taking an hour and a half to half an hour and the boys didn't squeal the entire time they ate. Voila! Awesome!
I also read this post that was recommended by a wise and respected friend and I felt like it really spoke to me. Its exactly how I feel. I don't have to enjoy every minute. But I try to at least stop and enjoy a few minutes each day. kairos. perfect.
And my breasts still feel like they are going to fall off most of the time and I'm still insanely tired BUT it is getting ever so slightly better.

SO

thank you. I appreciate your collective wisdom more than I can express.


(and more pictures of the boys coming soon :)

new momness

(charleston - left, whitman - right)

I'm not even sure where to start. Life is crazy right now. The first week of having them home was insanely hard. It was a tough adjustment for everyone. The second week we started to get a better groove but it was still a little rough trying to figure out how to do everything times two. This week and last we have had the in-laws around and its been easier in some ways and more challenging in others. Easier because they can take some of the feedings and changings and sorts but more difficult to figure out where/how to breast feed, for example.
Most days, though, are hard.
People tell me that things will get better and I'm really hoping that's true. They are great boys but it wouldn't matter if they were the baby Jesus, so little sleep is just rough.
The other challenges right now include -
1. I am now back at work part time for the next two months until I go back full time.
2. My milk supply is decreasing because I don't have as much time to nurse and I'm discovering that pumping without nursing doesn't produce big results.
3. I don't have as much time to add up a bunch of one hour sleep increments so I get less sleep and have more responsibilities.

and so on

But I don't want to complain. Rather, I want someone to tell me that kids are worth it. I want someone to tell me that these babies are going to be worth all the trouble and I'll start feeling that they are worth it for more than 5 minutes a day sometime soon. I know that sounds awful to say and don't get me wrong, I love them. Its just that a 2 second smile and a sweet momentary gaze once a day isn't really pulling me through long hours at night, feedings that take forever because they want to eat for 2 seconds and then quit for 20 min and then eat for 2 seconds, etc.

I'm complaining again. Sorry.

But as long as I'm on it, let me raise another complaint about being a new mom.

Guilt.

Seriously. What is this? I hate it. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty I don't bathe them more. I feel guilty that I don't smile at them more and that sometimes I question if I really want this new life I have and that my milk supply is decreasing. I feel guilty when I eat something that could give them gas or even when they do get gas. Mom guilt sucks.

I'm just excited for things to get better and dare I say, easier? Does it get easier? or more fun?

I need hope here people. Give me hope.

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dang they're cute though

Home

(charleston on top with his face a little hidden and whitman on the bottom- or right side depending on how you look at the picture)


We are home now with the boys. We brought them home 4 days ago. Its been an...interesting week. And by interesting I mean difficult. Don't get me wrong - I love them. Oh man do I love them. But feeding two babies around the clock is T-I-R-I-N-G. I am so deliriously tired that I find myself in the middle of the night suckling pillows and with pieces of the breast pump still in my hands.
And for those of you, like myself, who had no understanding what it meant when people talk about how tired you are when you bring home new babies, let me explain the schedule a bit so you get a better picture (something I would've appreciated people explaining rather than just snidely remarking how tired I would be all the freaking time).
Every three hours these guys eat. The rule is "one up, both up" so that they are on the same schedule. These means that I'm either tandem breastfeeding them (yeah I'm bad a** like that) or feeding one on the breast and one with a bottle or for the really early morning feeds (like 4am or so) feeding both on a bottle.
SO
Lets say they wake around 3:30am. At 3:30am we feed them both bottles because I've discovered this week that I'm too uncoordinated and impatient to tandem breastfeed at this hour. My husband gets up and warms up the breast-milk that I've pumped into bottles. Doug will mix it with some neo-sure, which is basically baby weight gainer since these guys are just now at 5lbs each, and then we get all set up to feed them (burp cloths, boppy pillow, etc). While he is doing that, I get the babies out and get them calm. If they cry very long then they use all their energy crying and not feeding and feeding them and having them gain weight is our number 1 priority right now (besides keeping them alive and healthy and all that).
It takes about an hour to feed, burp, and change diapers if we are really on it and the boys actually eat pretty well. Sometimes they take FOREVER to eat and will often just suck on the bottle or breast and spit out the milk, which at 3:30am is really aggravating.
Then after they eat and burp and get changed we lay them down. We then clean the bottles, throw away the diapers, and I pump breast milk. Either me or my husband then need to clean the pump stuff. By the time this is all done its another 30 min or so since they've been laying down. This means that we have 1.5 hrs before they are ready to eat again.
SEE its not every 3 hours from the time they stopped eating, its every three hours since they BEGAN eating.
And this is if we are really rockin. Sometimes it takes longer. SO this means that we generally get about 1 - 1.5 hrs of sleep in random chunks throughout the day/night.
Throw in a need to bathe them and do developmental excercises and our need to eat and pay bills and get Christmas stuff done, etc, and you can see why life is a bit exhausting right now.
BUT
they're home. :) I sure love having them home. They are such good babies. They are already on a great schedule. They are easy to calm. They are so dang cute and they even smile periodically. Its great.

See - I'm even smiling




These are crappy phone pics but sometime soon we'll take some high quality photos and I'll include some photos of their nursery and I think I'll even be brave and post a picture next week of me at 6 weeks post babies. I think its helpful for moms to see what someone looks like 6 weeks after having twins (don't worry - this won't be a "WOW look how awesome I look photo").

Anyway, we were told at the hospital that the first two weeks would be the hardest, as we struggled to get into a routine and while everyone adjusts to the newness of it all. I'm just hoping that it gets easier by the time I start back to work in January. Eek!

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers as we struggled through the NICU. We truly felt an outpouring of love during that time and it was SO greatly appreciated.

much love and have a great weekend