Sunday, August 26, 2012

sad jo is sad

That is sad Whitman. That was taken moments before this...

I kinda know how he feels. 

This has been a really tough week. I think the transition was going ok at first. We were busy getting everything set up and we were mentally prepared for the challenge of the first few weeks. But then I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought it should start getting easier by now. 

Doug had orientation last week and starts classes this week. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now. I'm so excited for him and this program. It feels right and I think this will seriously be one of the best things for him. But meanwhile this is exceptionally challenging for me. I've had my hand at being a SAHM now for a bit and my observations are this:

1. I have a very real and very strong respect for stay-at-home-moms. This is a really tough job. 

2. I will need to make serious efforts to stimulate my intellect. That sounds snobby or condescending or something I'm sure but this isn't some plight against other stay-at-home-moms. This is me. This is me who is used to spending a very large portion of my day getting to read all the academic journals and articles that I want and call it working. After 6 hours with my boys and having only read the instructions on how to hang the door johnny jumper bumper jump jump thing, I sorta want to take up...I don't know, calculus or something. 

3. This is a lonely job. Partly because its still one thousand degrees outside and partly because I have no idea where the hell I am, we don't go outside much. The boys schedule keeps us mostly indoors and since I have no friends here, I am alone inside most of the day. Some women from church have a playgroup thing but as terrible as it sounds, I'm sorta not interested because of the women who go. Is that so rude to say? Man I'm going to sound like a real snob here but I'm just writing it like it is. The women I gravitate towards at church (which granted I've only met a few and only briefly) but the two women I like best at church so far is one 65 year old retired professor who is so sharp and whitty and sassy and has a really great Texas accent and one woman who is around my age and is in a PhD program to become a geneticist. Unfortunately, neither of them go to playgroup. And neither of them have kids. 

4. Doing anything with twin crawling infants is insanely hard. This week I went to a WIC appt. Yes WIC. Thats where we are at. Medicaid this week. WIC last week. Food stamps next week. I am a leech to the system. Anyway, taking two babies to a WIC appointment by myself? OMG. First I decided that they might actually stay in their car seats and not crawl around so I carried both boys in their car seats for an exceedingly long distance (maybe not that far but it was one thousand degrees out as well and WIC isn't located next to Pottery Barn if you know what I'm sayin) So I was trying to go quick - with two 20lb babies + two 20lb car seats. So just getting in the damn building was rough. Then the actual appt was a nightmare. I was trying to fill out paperwork, keep both boys entertained and quiet IN THEIR CARSEATS for what ended  up taking 1.5 hours. Yes. I ended up taking them out of their seats once they started loosing it and then I tried to keep them both wrangled into the same area of the nasty linoleum floor while keeping random crap from the ground out of their mouths, to which they were none too pleased. I am now that evil woman who takes every cool thing they find on the ground away from them. "Look mom, a toe nail clipping!!!" RAAAAAHHHHHHH

5. That all said. I can totally do it. My new mantra is "Its only 2 years". On the days we stayed home I was able to feed them and get them to take naps and play with them and also make dinner and do lots of household chores. At some point in the future I imagine I will likely be able to go grocery shopping and perhaps make friends with people and see said friends. And I do really enjoy them (when not at the WIC office). They fantastic babies who aren't very fussy and are really sweet to me and each other. I will just set them on the floor in the kitchen and they are content to just play with measuring cups and bang on pots and pans while I clean or cook. And (I thought this was totally genius of me and this is the new type of thing I reward myself for thinking of instead of smart new corporate initiatives) I placed one of them in a jumper thingy contraption and the other one in a jumper thingy contraption so they could both be jumping right next to each other and I placed them right in the bathroom and I TOOK A SHOWER. Yup. I did. I took a shower while the boys played in jumper things in the bathroom door jam. Small victories but a victory nonetheless. 

Hopefully someday soon either Doug or I will get a job so I can stop stressing about money. I think I can be comfortable working or staying at home (though that is not my preference but again - insert mantra) but I just would like to know which it is and get on with it. If I'm going to be home then I need to come up with a plan that works for me to be able to not be sad jo all the time. If I'm going to be working then I will need to find childcare options when Doug is in class and figure out how to juggle all that. Right now Doug and I are both just applying to jobs like crazy and hopefully some day soon one of us will get one. 

They're cute, huh?!

1 comment:

Tanya Schaeffer said...

I wasn't able to stay home with either of the girls, but I think if I had I would have struggled with not getting my ME time. You have to be so selfless as a SAHM, all your time dictated by the babies' needs, and I'm kinda selfish. I don't know - maybe I would have loved it. I will say though, in hindsight I DO regret not being home with them. Very very much. I can't help but wonder what positive effect it might have had on their lives. Sorry you are blue.