Lately I've been thinking that this blog probably doesn't accurately represent who I am. Its all pretty pictures and lovely little thoughts and then every once in a while some crazy long random post about how I am super stressed and goingoutofmymindcrazy. And I worry about who may or may not read it (though I still think its probably just me reading this but whatever) so I censor myself.
You should know - I seldom censor myself in real life. Generally my censor button is broken.
Like the time when I told a story about how I once got stuck in a giant 10ft 300 lb condom to a bunch of innocent mormon 13 year old girls at girl's camp. And then they went home and asked what condoms are to their mothers and everyone probably got all judgemental up on this piece...
Or like when my team bought a tricyle for an under-privileged kid for a Sub-for-Santa thing and I rode it around the office screaming "It's mine now suckers!" and laughing maniacally...
Or like how I cuss a wholehellavalot and do it 99% of the time just for people's reactions (especially my husband's)...
But the truth is I'm not all posies and elegance. I'm one classy dame if I don't know you but the second I can tell we're cool - then you get to know the real me. And unfortunately with this blog, I feel like most of the time our relationship is still in the classy dame range instead of the "just today I discovered that I put my underwear on inside out and had to fix it in the bathroom and completely take off my pants and everything because I have shit for brains right now" stage. (And all of that was true by the way).
Because heres the thing - the number one reason why I censor on this blog is because I worry that if I don't, some power that be will remove me from the leadership position I hold at church and I won't get to work with the young women anymore. OR WORSE that one of my impressionable youth will read this blog and not understand that someone can believe in Christ with all their heart and be a good person and even be a "good" MORMON and still cuss like a pirate and talk about unlady-like topics and all the other things I do. That is a difficult connection to make, especially if you are the child of a strict mormon family being raised in PROVO UTAH of all places. I worry about those things because I don't think I can describe to you how much I love the opportunity I have to work with these girls and how much I truly love them. I love them enough that I censor myself on my own damn blog because of what could maybe happen.
But, I don't think I'm going to anymore. Not because I don't love them but because I'm pretty sure none of them read this thing and also because there really isn't any point to this blog if it doesn't serve as what I want it to serve as. I don't want it to just be a place for pretty pictures and I don't want it to reflect someone that I'm not. I want it to be a place where I can share of myself, and not all the pretty parts of me.
And feel free to judge me. I kinda bask in it now, disapproving looks and thoughts and maybe little comments. Those things just make me smile because I am pretty damn comfortable with who I am, with my religion and what I do and don't believe (because yes, gasp, there are actually teachings in my religion that I don't really buy into and yet I still choose to practice and live the majority of its doctrines) and I'm comfortable with who I am becoming. I like that person.
And those things that I censor are as much of me, the person I enjoy, as anything else.
So maybe consider this a warning -
its about to get uncensored in here. I won't be cursing all the time (because that is not a reflection of who I really am) and I won't be posting nudey pictures or anything (though I don't promise that actually now that I think about that...but nothing pornographic, how about that? because I'm totally going to re-post my old post about streaking that I took down because of my inner appropriateness concern).
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