Thursday, January 5, 2012

new momness

(charleston - left, whitman - right)

I'm not even sure where to start. Life is crazy right now. The first week of having them home was insanely hard. It was a tough adjustment for everyone. The second week we started to get a better groove but it was still a little rough trying to figure out how to do everything times two. This week and last we have had the in-laws around and its been easier in some ways and more challenging in others. Easier because they can take some of the feedings and changings and sorts but more difficult to figure out where/how to breast feed, for example.
Most days, though, are hard.
People tell me that things will get better and I'm really hoping that's true. They are great boys but it wouldn't matter if they were the baby Jesus, so little sleep is just rough.
The other challenges right now include -
1. I am now back at work part time for the next two months until I go back full time.
2. My milk supply is decreasing because I don't have as much time to nurse and I'm discovering that pumping without nursing doesn't produce big results.
3. I don't have as much time to add up a bunch of one hour sleep increments so I get less sleep and have more responsibilities.

and so on

But I don't want to complain. Rather, I want someone to tell me that kids are worth it. I want someone to tell me that these babies are going to be worth all the trouble and I'll start feeling that they are worth it for more than 5 minutes a day sometime soon. I know that sounds awful to say and don't get me wrong, I love them. Its just that a 2 second smile and a sweet momentary gaze once a day isn't really pulling me through long hours at night, feedings that take forever because they want to eat for 2 seconds and then quit for 20 min and then eat for 2 seconds, etc.

I'm complaining again. Sorry.

But as long as I'm on it, let me raise another complaint about being a new mom.


Seriously. What is this? I hate it. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty I don't bathe them more. I feel guilty that I don't smile at them more and that sometimes I question if I really want this new life I have and that my milk supply is decreasing. I feel guilty when I eat something that could give them gas or even when they do get gas. Mom guilt sucks.

I'm just excited for things to get better and dare I say, easier? Does it get easier? or more fun?

I need hope here people. Give me hope.


dang they're cute though


Kate said...

Jo, just randomly decided to visit your blog and saw this post. I have a good friend who had twin boys in July. She lives in Provo, so if you ever had questions or anything, I'm sure she'd be willing to chat with you about it! Although she's not THAT far ahead of you, it may be nice to know what the next 4 months may hold for you! Her name is Mimi Guynn West, and you could either look her up on facebook, or let me know and I can get more contact info for you!
The boys really are adorable. I can't imagine the work they require, so I hope they smile a bit more often for you this week!!

Betsy Hite Reddoch said...

It does change, and in some ways it does get simpler. Sometime around 2 or 3 months my twins started sleeping for greater lengths of time (4+ hours) and also interacting a bit more - like actually smiling and stuff, which was huge for me. I also gave up pumping at 6 weeks, which saved my sanity. Just do what works best for you, and try not to feel so guilty. You're doing the best you can, I'm sure. The newborn stage is not for everyone, and a few months from now you might reach a new stage that is easier for you. Regardless, it does get more fun.

Jennie Ellett said...

Hi there. I know it is random for me to comment... I went to high school with Doug and saw your blog on facebook. Anyways... what I tell all my pregnant friends is you just have to SURVIVE the first 6 months. A few have been offended but all have come back and said I was correct. Right now you are ib survival mode and for your boys I would do the calculation based on your due date not their birthday. My SIL had her daughter at 29 weeks and said the adjusted age was a better judgment. That said you can do it! Find a family/church friend that can watch the boys for you and Doug to have an hour together (or two). And I hate to tell you that Mom guilt never really goes away ... it just becomes normal. I have a 4 and a half year old boy (and another on the way-girl this time) and will tell you it is totally worth it. Hang in there!

Amanda said...

Honestly I have a hard time remember what the first month was like with the twins. It will seem like a dream when it's over. and the sleepless nights will end. It will get easier in some ways. My boys started sleeping better around 4 months when we finally felt comfortable with some sleep training. You probably don't have time to read but the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child saved our lives! Before you know it they will be smiling more and giggling and interacting with each other, which is so cute. As they get older they play together too so that makes it easier on you. Right now you just need to survive. You can do it!

Rachel said...

It really, really, really, really, I promise, really will get better. This post took me back--I felt the exact same way when Forrest was born. First I was just ecstatic that he was here, that he was so healthy, that I was a mom, etc. Then, a few days later, when the sleep deprivation and unceasing demands of a newborn and CONSTANT colicky screaming all day and night really started to kick in, I realized that having a baby was not AT ALL what I thought it would be. I thought he'd sleep most of the time (I really thought newborns slept like 23 hours a day--HA!), and when he was awake I thought he'd be smiley and adorable and easy and, honestly, kind of a cute little accessory. And you know very well by this point that isn't at all what having a baby (much less two babies!) is like. But it truly does get better. They'll start sleeping more, and eating better, and smiling more, and playing with you and each other, and they'll develop little personalities that you will just be insanely in love with, and it'll all be okay, and, as crazy as this sounds, you'll even start to forget how terrible the first months were (until a friend has a baby and writes a blog post just like this one). I hear you on the guilt--I felt so confused and guilty with a new baby. I knew I should be appreciating so much more--he was healthy, he was beautiful, he was developing normally--but I just felt kind of resentful that he had taken over my entire life and gave nothing at all in return. So I ended up feeling guilty about not being grateful enough, as well as guilty that he wasn't being read/sung to every day, and guilty when I wasn't producing enough milk and had to use formula, and guilty that I didn't seem as happy to be a mom as all my deliriously happy mommy friends seemed to be, etc etc. Honestly, I think being a mom to new babies just boils down to survival. You do whatever you need to do to get through the tough newborn stage with your sanity and happiness intact. If that means no more breastfeeding, that's fine. If it means you have to leave the boys with a sitter and get a pedicure and unwind, that's fine. If you have to just put them in a room by themselves and let them cry and go sit outside on your front porch with your headphones in, that's fine (heaven knows I did that plenty). If it means you have to call a friend and cry about how hard it is, that's fine. I wish I hadn't spent so much time when Forrest was little trying to look like I was a good mom who had it all together--every mom knows how dang hard it can be and won't think less of you for asking for help or dropping unnecessary things from your life to get through it. And the ones who act like it's all peaches and cream are liars. One unfortunate thing I've noticed about moms is they tend to make each other feel guilty about a job we all inherently feel worried and guilty about. If you didn't give birth naturally, or breastfeed for the full first year, or vaccinate, or not vaccinate, or read to them every day, or cloth diaper, or co-sleep, or whatever else goes on this stupid list, they might try to make you feel like you're doing something wrong. Honestly, just do what feels right for you and your family, and try to tune out everybody else. It's tough, but it'll get better. Hang in there, Jo.

Rachel said...

WOW, I just left you the longest comment of all time. Sorry.

Leah Stone said...

I have nothing to say cause I don't have kids yet, but I do love you and know you are stronger than you think and give yourself credit for. You will get through this rough time and I honestly believe it will get easier. Thank goodness you get to go through this first before me. So much I will learn. Hang it there and call me xoxox

The Carter Family said...

Jo, I know weve never met but I just wanted to write to give hope. I was a friend of Doug's from way back in high school. It DOES get better. Somewhere around day 100 of having them home you get into an awesome routine and are sleeping more and really start enjoying them as your kids. I know 100 days sounds like a terribly long time, but it gets better every day little by little. There was a guy who wrote an article about how it takes 100 days to get comfortable with any new task, and I'd say two new baby boys is definately a difficult challenge. As for mom guilt, it does get easier but it never goes away. Riley is almost 3 and Gavin is almost 1 and I still worry about things. But the kids are super resilient and turn out great. You guys are great parents to those little men!! And I hope you didn't find my interjection too weird!

Nat said...

Oh Jo. . .I had all these same feelings with Bennett. I wish I had blogged about it at the time but I felt too guilty for having those feelings!! I think every mom feels that way. The first couple months are foggy to me because I was so sleep deprived, but around a couple months they start to sleep a little longer at night which is wonderful. Plus at a couple months they start to turn into actual people which is so, so fun and makes you remember why you signed up for parenting in the first place. Bennett started sleeping through the night (10-12 hours) at 5 months which I hear is later than most babies, but it was still earlier than I had originally expected so I was happy. I hear formula babies sleep through the night a lot earlier though, in case you need to make the switch. Pleaes don't feel guilty about your milk supply, although I totally understand since that has always been my biggest worry. The very fact that you have been able to keep the babies on breastmilk is amazing to me - I can barely make enough milk for one baby, I couldn't imagine doing 2!!! I actually don't know anyone with twins who was able to do just breastmilk for very long at all, so consider yourself Supermom already! Your boys are SO cute and just remember. . .once they start smiling daily, next comes giggling. It will turn your whole world around.

Nikki Barkume said...

Dearest Jo...I can imagine how hard this is for you right now, but hang in there. Leah is right: you're stronger than you think you are. If there is anyone I know who could step up too a challenge it's you. You're one of the most driven and ambitious people I know. There hasn't been a day you haven't been in my prayers. Call me and I'll come rescue you!