Thursday, May 10, 2012

just stress blabber

This is a blather post. No pictures. No videos. No links.

I'm feeling stressed. We are in the process of selling our house. Its stressful. I love my house. I know a house is a house and I will make the next place just as much as a home to us, but... I'm still sad. And stressed.

Selling our house means finding housing in Austin. This is also stressful. I have no idea where to live. When we've moved in the past it was just me and Doug. No biggie. But now we have a cat and two baby boys and finding the "right" place is a much higher priority than it was in the past. And craigslist is a freaking joke. And trulia isn't giving me much traction either.

And work. Sigh. work. I have no idea. I'm able to pursue training still but the chances of me getting a trainer position are slim to none. There is a large part of that role that I would not enjoy. So maybe its a blessing. I've been trying to dissect exactly what I love about it so that I can find jobs that capitalize on the best parts. But really, I have no idea. I feel this immense pressure to find the "right" job so I can both be available for my boys and be able to provide for all of us. I want to support Doug while he goes to school but I also don't want the entire duration of his graduate program to be a waste of my time/pursuits. And in the meantime, I'm really just putting forth the least amount of effort possible until I'm done here, because really if I'm done here one way or the other, what does busting my butt for the next 2 months get me? I could go the extra mile but instead I'm just at par for the course.

And I feel this real pull for both my career and my family. I never had crazy career aspirations. Not originally. When Doug and I first got married I wanted to find meaningful employment that also allowed me significant time with my family. Then somewhere along the way I got leadership role after leadership role and discovered that I'm not bad at leading. And I liked leading. And then that's all I wanted to do. And suddenly being a lowly adjunct professor at some college came second place to being CEO of a non-profit. Training was really just this thing I loved that would help me get there.

But now I have a family. And I really like them. And I'm not sure that I want to make the sacrifices necessary to attain some CEO position, even though I might like the job. I have no doubt that I could be a CEO. Maybe that's arrogant to say, but I believe that with my drive and the Lord's blessing, I could have just about anything. I really believe that.

And I think thats what stresses me out. I don't know what I want now. This has really NEVER been my problem before.

I know I don't want to be a full time stay-at-home-mom. Most days that I'm home all day with the boys I want to punch myself in the face. Is that bad to say? This isn't a reflection of my love for them. Its just how I feel. But if I'm going to pull myself away from them, I want it to be meaningful and something that I really enjoy. I think that's one of the things that stresses me out about looking for new employment. I've been able to work at a place that I really love for a very long time. I love what we do. I love our material and our research and the value we provide for people. I don't think I can pull myself away from my boys to hock some magic pills or some fertilizer or something. But I don't think I could stay sane not doing something outside the home. So, I need to find a job that is meaningful, has workable hours so I can take care of my boys, and pays enough that I can provide for everyone. 

Right now that combination feels impossible.

Sooooooooooo I bought a dress. A dress for stress.

On a completely separate note, the boys had their first solid food experience last night. Carrots. It was so fun. I will post a video soon. Its both gross and totally endearing. Kinda sums up little boys in general, right? :)

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