pouty mc pouty face

As of this weekend I no longer lead the teenage girl's youth group at my church.

And it sucks.

And I hate it.

And I can't explain to you how much it meant to me to be able to work with those girls each week.

For those of you who are of a different religion (likely the majority of people who read this blog - all 2 of you) I'll probably need to explain a few things here...

The church I belong to is run entirely by volunteers. So, for example, my husband is the finance clerk. He processes tithing and cuts checks for reimbursements and so forth. Now unlike most organizations where you sign up for whatever you want to do, in our church you are given a "calling". This means that the bishopric (essentially the pastor and two assistant pastors) pray about what position to place you in and then extend the "call" to you. You then have the opportunity to also pray about this position and either accept the call or not. Having not grown up in this church, I have zero experience and only a very small understanding of most of the positions within the church. Hence, when I was called as the "Young Women's President" I had no idea what that was or what that meant. Thus, I also had no idea how much I would freaking LOVE EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF IT.
ok
there were probably times when I didn't love it... but I can't think of any of those times.

Seriously it was one of the best experiences of my life. The opportunity to help mold the future female generation of America? HELLS YEAH! The opportunity to do sleepovers and tea parties and go camping and teach them how to be strong Christian women? I mean, does it get better than that?

No.

Quite frankly, it doesn't.

And just like a calling is extended by the bishopric when they feel so impressed to extend it, it is also taken away. This is called being "released". It feels, at least at this moment, a little like getting your heart ripped out of your chest for no good reason. That is if you enjoy your calling. I suppose some people accept a calling out of some weird sense of obligation or something and then bide their time till they get released. But either way, you just have to trust that the bishopric has received inspiration from God that your time is up like they received inspiration for your call in the first place.

My time is likely up because I'm about to have babies and leading a large organization of leaders and youth will get more challenging. Our church emphasizes family so much that they try really hard not to ever have a demanding calling (some are more time consuming than others) that could interfere with families.

But that's dumb. At least in our case.

Seriously.

I freaking worked full time and went to grad school full time and held it together. Why is having babies an automatic shut out?

And I think its a seriously poor message to send to young women - that you can't be a leader and have babies. I feel like I'm fighting this stigma on so many fronts. Does no one believe me when I say that Doug and I really are equal partners in this whole thing? That he will be raising these boys just as much as I will?

blah.

I hate it.

So I'm crying and pouting, and likely will be for a while.

And I know, I know. Babies will be great and maybe this is for the best and blah blah blah. But right now I just feel frustrated by the whole thing.

And I miss those girls.

And I know I can still see them around and attend their school events and stay in touch over facebook and all that.

But I want more. And I fear that eventually they'll just be creeped out that I still want to keep the relationships we've developed over the last 3 years. And creeped out that I'm not letting go like everyone else does when they are released. And I'll go from seeing them multiple times a week to seeing them every once in a while. And all that sucks.

And my next calling is probably going to be something like 'toilet bowl cleaner'.