Little Jo Home

influencing breastfeeding: more than you ever wanted to know about my boobs

2012-02-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

Breastfeeding twins is hard. The boys are pretty much exclusively eating pumped breastmilk that is fortified with weight gainer and has doses of medicine that they need in it. Pumping enough to feed two growing boys is really tough. Every single day I have to convince myself that I want to do this and that all this work is worth it. But I'm starting to realize that honing personal motivation is likely not enough to keep me going to at least May. SO I've come up with an Influencer plan.

I work for a fabulous company that essentially packages social science research. Influencer is a book and training geared toward effecting change (and Change Anything is the personal side of the Influencer coin). I actually applied the Influencer methodology to voter turnout for my thesis, but now I'm just getting geeky.

I thought I would share with you my Influencer plan for breastfeeding. If some of you, like myself, have a hard time staying motivated to do this, perhaps this will help you as well. For me, sharing it publicly is actually a social motivation strategy.

I'll explain below.

First, lets see the model.

I'll share with you my strategy for each box. If you have further interest in this, you can either buy the books, ask me about training, or even check out ChangeAnything.com where you can develop your own change plan and have access to behavioral research that can assist you in your change plan.

SO here we go

1. Personal Motivation - while there are ways to develop personal motivation if you don't currently have it (i.e. Learn to Love what you Hate) I actually am strongly personally motivated. I just need to remind myself that I am when the personal costs start adding up. So I've developed a saying that I tell myself whenever its time to pump. "I want the BEST for my little men". I also had a friend of mine design a poster with this saying that I have placed in my office at work as a physical reminder of my personal motivation to pump at work. Again, I actually am very personally motivated - I just need to be reminded of this often.

2. Personal Ability - I've realized that exclusively pumping really sucks but it sucks worse when not equipped with knowledge. So I've upped my breast pumping ability by gaining resources on how to better do it. If you're curious, I now have a hands-free bra which allows me to not only work while I pump, but also allows me to extract more milk while pumping by also using my hands and not just relying on the pump. For an informative but slightly disturbing video (as in your staring at women milking themselves) go here. If you pump, this video is very helpful. I also take Fenugreek. This is an herbal supplement that has helped to increase my milk supply and make me smell like maple syrup. We have had more pancakes since.

3. Social Motivation - ah, harnessing the power of social pressure. Well, if you're a new mother, you are well aware of the pressure to breastfeed. It surrounds you. And if you have babies in the NICU, nurses are trying to get their hands on your breasts so they can milk you themselves. One way that I'm trying to get my peers on my team is by doing this blogpost. I need cheerleaders. I don't need people telling me its okay if I don't make it to 6 months breastfeeding the boys. I already know that and it just creates more excuses for me. So I have this post. I also have my husband who is constantly cheering me on and helping me to do whatever is necessary for me to pump, including taking late night feedings so I can just pump beside him and not have to do the feeding and changing on top of it.

4. Social Ability - I also have the support of my co-workers and boss, who have agreed not to bother me when my blinds are down in my office because they know I'm pumping. This is a big one. If my boss weren't on board, then he could easily trample on my pumping schedule just by requiring that I always be available or that I attend various extraneous meetings. My husband also effects my ability here. If he didn't take some of the feedings, I wouldn't be able to get enough sleep or eat enough to produce the amount I need to produce for the boys.

5. Structural Motivation - This one often goes unnoticed but its very important. For me, I have placed the pump right next to my keyboard at work or right on the end of the couch at home. This way I have very easy access to it and don't have to travel far to pump. I've also ordered cleaning accessories to make it quick and easy to clean the pump pieces. (Doug also cleans them often for me - more social support). I also have posters in my office, a paper chain counting down days till their 6 month birthday, and the big one - I have created a giant award for myself if I make it to 6 months and a picture of it in my office and in my pump bag as a reminder of the big reward. A BIKE. Yup. If I make it to six months then I am rewarding myself with a street bike that I can strap a baby boy to the back of and go for family bike rides. I have a mental image of Doug with one boy on the back of his bike and me with another and us blissfully riding around to various parks in the area. :)

6. Structural Ability - Blinds in my office was a must. If I didn't have this then I wouldn't be able to pump at work. The company actually paid for the blinds and installation. Awesome!

There are other components to the Influencer methodology, but I hope you can see the many different areas of influence and how I plan to use them to work for me, rather than against me. If you have suggestions that can further help me to stay the course till at least May 8th - please let me know.

Thanks everyone! Your support is so appreciated!

a random post at last

2012-01-30T23:03:00.000-08:00

a cute photo

(whitman - left w/ hat on, charleston - right w/ hoodie on)

a funny video (comedian Tom Papa - check him out on Youtube. He is funny and pretty clean)

I will endeavor to become a cinnamon-scented bean bag chair (must watch video to understand)

and lastly, a great song

if you like them, check out songs, Lesson No. 7 and Belongings

that's all for now. Feeling a bit like I live in the movie Groundhog Day and yet I'm not getting any better at juggling it all... someday perhaps

helpless heart

2012-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'll never forget that day. November 15, 2011. It was the day after my birthday. They were both doing so well on my birthday. They came off breathing support and we got to hold them for an extra 30 minutes. I remember thinking that their improved health was a fabulous birthday present. I remember saying so on Facebook.

But only a few hours later, things changed.

I got a phone call early that morning. I wasn't inherently worried because I got a phone call from the NICU every morning, telling me how they were doing and preparing me for what I might see when I saw them each day. But that morning, the tone was different. From the moment I picked up the phone, I knew something was wrong.

The neonatologist told me that Whitman had developed an infection sometime in the night. He was on heavy breathing support and medication to fight the infection. I was told it was "very serious".

I hung up and began to sob. I ran to Doug and told him everything I could remember from the call and we practically ran to the hospital.

When we turned the corner to see the boys, I saw a large group of nurses and doctors gathered around Whitman. There were three times as many machines around him now too. I could almost hear my heart breaking.

Doug and I stood by his bed, holding his little hand, sobbing. Doug asked questions of the doctors and tried to understand the gravity of the situation as best as possible. I just stared at his little body moving up and down to the rhythm of the machine and listened to the constant beeps to tell me he was still alive. The nurses needed to give him another injection and Doug and I went into the hallway and collapsed with grief. We did the only thing we know what to do when something like this occurs - we prayed.

We begged God to spare our son. We promised Him anything and everything and offered what was left of our stolen and broken hearts.

That was the only time we left his bedside for days. I remember holding Charleston and feeling so guilty that I could hold him and not his brother. I felt guilty trying to enjoy that moment while my other son lay listless only feet away.

Mostly, I remember feeling completely and utterly vulnerable. I don't know when I gave these guys my heart. I certainly didn't intend to. I tried so hard to keep it guarded for fear of the pain but despite my best efforts, these boys have a key that I am incapable of getting back.

Sometimes I don't like them. Sometimes when I'm taping their swaddling blankets around their bodies so they'll sleep, I think about taping their mouths, or even better, their ever-poopy butts. And sometimes I fantasize about sleep. Ok, a lot of times I fantasize about sleep.

But

always I love them. I never thought about the consequences on my heart of having children. I knew I'd offer up my love but I never thought they would steal my whole heart.

some photos for your brain

2012-01-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

Charleston in the green shirt and Whitman in the gray

Boy are we going to have fun once they are smiling and giggling! The blog might become just a photo blog at that point... :)

thank you

2012-01-11T14:26:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for giving so much to me. I SO appreciated and needed your many emails, and phone calls, and comments on my last post. Shortly after writing it, I had the best weekend I have had with these little guys. We went up a nipple size on the bottles and got some medicine for reflux and suddenly, feedings went from taking an hour and a half to half an hour and the boys didn't squeal the entire time they ate. Voila! Awesome!
I also read this post that was recommended by a wise and respected friend and I felt like it really spoke to me. Its exactly how I feel. I don't have to enjoy every minute. But I try to at least stop and enjoy a few minutes each day. kairos. perfect.
And my breasts still feel like they are going to fall off most of the time and I'm still insanely tired BUT it is getting ever so slightly better.

SO

thank you. I appreciate your collective wisdom more than I can express.

(and more pictures of the boys coming soon :)

new momness

2012-01-05T10:27:00.001-08:00

(charleston - left, whitman - right)

I'm not even sure where to start. Life is crazy right now. The first week of having them home was insanely hard. It was a tough adjustment for everyone. The second week we started to get a better groove but it was still a little rough trying to figure out how to do everything times two. This week and last we have had the in-laws around and its been easier in some ways and more challenging in others. Easier because they can take some of the feedings and changings and sorts but more difficult to figure out where/how to breast feed, for example.
Most days, though, are hard.
People tell me that things will get better and I'm really hoping that's true. They are great boys but it wouldn't matter if they were the baby Jesus, so little sleep is just rough.
The other challenges right now include -
1. I am now back at work part time for the next two months until I go back full time.
2. My milk supply is decreasing because I don't have as much time to nurse and I'm discovering that pumping without nursing doesn't produce big results.
3. I don't have as much time to add up a bunch of one hour sleep increments so I get less sleep and have more responsibilities.

and so on

But I don't want to complain. Rather, I want someone to tell me that kids are worth it. I want someone to tell me that these babies are going to be worth all the trouble and I'll start feeling that they are worth it for more than 5 minutes a day sometime soon. I know that sounds awful to say and don't get me wrong, I love them. Its just that a 2 second smile and a sweet momentary gaze once a day isn't really pulling me through long hours at night, feedings that take forever because they want to eat for 2 seconds and then quit for 20 min and then eat for 2 seconds, etc.

I'm complaining again. Sorry.

But as long as I'm on it, let me raise another complaint about being a new mom.

Guilt.

Seriously. What is this? I hate it. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty I don't bathe them more. I feel guilty that I don't smile at them more and that sometimes I question if I really want this new life I have and that my milk supply is decreasing. I feel guilty when I eat something that could give them gas or even when they do get gas. Mom guilt sucks.

I'm just excited for things to get better and dare I say, easier? Does it get easier? or more fun?

I need hope here people. Give me hope.

.
.
.
.
.

dang they're cute though

Home

2011-12-16T17:44:00.001-08:00

(charleston on top with his face a little hidden and whitman on the bottom- or right side depending on how you look at the picture)

We are home now with the boys. We brought them home 4 days ago. Its been an...interesting week. And by interesting I mean difficult. Don't get me wrong - I love them. Oh man do I love them. But feeding two babies around the clock is T-I-R-I-N-G. I am so deliriously tired that I find myself in the middle of the night suckling pillows and with pieces of the breast pump still in my hands.
And for those of you, like myself, who had no understanding what it meant when people talk about how tired you are when you bring home new babies, let me explain the schedule a bit so you get a better picture (something I would've appreciated people explaining rather than just snidely remarking how tired I would be all the freaking time).
Every three hours these guys eat. The rule is "one up, both up" so that they are on the same schedule. These means that I'm either tandem breastfeeding them (yeah I'm bad a** like that) or feeding one on the breast and one with a bottle or for the really early morning feeds (like 4am or so) feeding both on a bottle.
SO
Lets say they wake around 3:30am. At 3:30am we feed them both bottles because I've discovered this week that I'm too uncoordinated and impatient to tandem breastfeed at this hour. My husband gets up and warms up the breast-milk that I've pumped into bottles. Doug will mix it with some neo-sure, which is basically baby weight gainer since these guys are just now at 5lbs each, and then we get all set up to feed them (burp cloths, boppy pillow, etc). While he is doing that, I get the babies out and get them calm. If they cry very long then they use all their energy crying and not feeding and feeding them and having them gain weight is our number 1 priority right now (besides keeping them alive and healthy and all that).
It takes about an hour to feed, burp, and change diapers if we are really on it and the boys actually eat pretty well. Sometimes they take FOREVER to eat and will often just suck on the bottle or breast and spit out the milk, which at 3:30am is really aggravating.
Then after they eat and burp and get changed we lay them down. We then clean the bottles, throw away the diapers, and I pump breast milk. Either me or my husband then need to clean the pump stuff. By the time this is all done its another 30 min or so since they've been laying down. This means that we have 1.5 hrs before they are ready to eat again.
SEE its not every 3 hours from the time they stopped eating, its every three hours since they BEGAN eating.
And this is if we are really rockin. Sometimes it takes longer. SO this means that we generally get about 1 - 1.5 hrs of sleep in random chunks throughout the day/night.
Throw in a need to bathe them and do developmental excercises and our need to eat and pay bills and get Christmas stuff done, etc, and you can see why life is a bit exhausting right now.
BUT
they're home. :) I sure love having them home. They are such good babies. They are already on a great schedule. They are easy to calm. They are so dang cute and they even smile periodically. Its great.

See - I'm even smiling

These are crappy phone pics but sometime soon we'll take some high quality photos and I'll include some photos of their nursery and I think I'll even be brave and post a picture next week of me at 6 weeks post babies. I think its helpful for moms to see what someone looks like 6 weeks after having twins (don't worry - this won't be a "WOW look how awesome I look photo").

Anyway, we were told at the hospital that the first two weeks would be the hardest, as we struggled to get into a routine and while everyone adjusts to the newness of it all. I'm just hoping that it gets easier by the time I start back to work in January. Eek!

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers as we struggled through the NICU. We truly felt an outpouring of love during that time and it was SO greatly appreciated.

much love and have a great weekend

The NICU

2011-11-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

I've received many inquiring emails since the boys were born about what we're doing these days and why the lack of communication through this blog, especially at a time when there is a lot of information to be had.

I apologize.

But then again, I don't.

Let me explain.

I'd like to explain to everyone what the NICU is like. I personally had NO IDEA what it would be like. I thought the boys would be born a bit early and they'd go to this mysterious acronym place and then come out all clean and smelling nice and ready to come home.

Nay.

So, here is what the NICU is like for those of you who have no idea, like me.

First, a few pictures to frame the conversation -

(above pictures - Whitman on the vent)

(Charleston under the bilirubin lights to help prevent jaundice)

(Whitman wearing the c-pap)

(above - the boys beds, prior to being put in the same bed)

Everyday we go through 4 different sets of security in order

to get to the floor that the boys are on. After getting several wrist bands, heavy locked doors are opened for us to go into the NICU. We immediately put on hand sanitizer and walk past the beds of 6 or so different babies, including Kaydance, who was born at 24 weeks and is a crack baby. We pray for her everyday. There are around 40 - 60 babies in the NICU at any given time.

We approach the bed where our babies are at check all of their monitors before we even speak. We are allowed to touch them to say hello but because of the risk of over stimulation, a serious concern with premies, we only touch them for a moment. We touch them the same way everytime in order to get them familiar with us. If we see that their monitors have alarming numbers (low respiratory rate or oxygen numbers) then we don't touch them at all.

We set down our stuff and Doug goes and places all the milk I've pumped into the refrigerator after having it checked to make sure its adequately labeled. Every 3 hours we do their cares. Their cares consist of checking their temperature, changing their diaper, weighing them, and then trying to feed them. Two times a day I try and breast feed them. The other times they are fed through a tube in their nose. Immediately after the two times a day that I try and breast feed them, we get to do "skin to skin", where we take off our shirts and hold their little bodies against our chest. This helps regulate their temperature and is good for development.

That is, hands down, the best moment of my day.

It usually lasts for 30 minutes.

The boys both have 4 monitors on them at all times as well as a feeding tube in their nose. This makes holding them, moving them, changing them, or doing just about anything difficult. The monitors also beep all the time. Loudly. Many times the monitors are just faulty and the boys wiggle and the monitors just sound off. Sometimes, though, the boys stop breathing or their heart stops for a few seconds and the monitors sound off. You never know which it is so we nervously check them ALL the time.

Because most babies are protected by the womb until they are full term, they don't have to prematurely use or even develop their eyes, or ears, or nose, for example. Our boys don't have that luxury so we must keep things dark and quiet and unscented - very difficult things to do in a hospital and with loud monitors going off all the time. We've become very protective of the boys in this regard, for fear of them becoming over stimulated and not developing appropriately.

In addition to these things are the nurses. NICU nurses are mostly amazing. However, nurses are required to report on me just as much as they report on the boys. If I wear sweats everyday to the NICU, for example, it can be a sign of post partum. Any signs of post partum require that the nurses stay near you and your babies at all times. This means I'm seldom allowed to be around my boys alone because the sheer stress of the NICU usually results in me showing some sort of post partum issue.

Add in lots of crying babies, monitor noises for all of them, nurses and doctors and practitioners and lactation consultants and nicu parental support group people, other nicu parents...

and you can see why the NICU is sorta hellish most days.

However, its the only way we get to see our boys so we are there all day everyday.

And they are doing better. Now they are in the same bed and are actually in the NICU overflow, which is much quieter.

And because people ask - lastly, let me explain what they must do to come home.

Three things

1. breath on their own (check)

2. regulate their temperature (check)

3. take all feedings orally (not check)

The third one takes the longest and is what we are working on now. They currently eat about 1/3 to 1/2 of their feeding orally twice a day. They must take the entire feeding before they can be moved up to 3x a day, then 4x a day, then over 12 hrs of oral feedings, then 24 hrs of oral feedings, and then finally we get to take them home. The connection in their brain telling them to feed orally isn't even made till around 36 weeks (and they are 35 now this week) so the fact that they are breast feeding at all is really great. But still, they tell us to expect to take them home by the end of the year (4-5 weeks from now).

ugh

so thats the NICU and the reason for the radio silence

aren't they cute though?

(below - Whitman)

(below - Charleston)

Pray that they learn to eat so we can bring them home!

and then there were four...

2011-11-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

Well its been a crazy week. :)

Last week at this time I was at work and figuring out what to do with my newly free Tuesday nights.

One week later I have two boys, a scar from a major surgery, am 27 years old, have spent 150+ hours at the hospital, pumped 45 bottles of milk... my how things can change fast.

Sometime soon I'll write down the whole story of how this happened but for now, here are a few pictures of our sweet boys.

Introducing -

Whitman Marshall Crabb (the younger and slightly smaller of the two)

born November 8, 2011, 3:48 pm

16 inches long

3 lb 9 0z

and

Charleston Buckley Crabb

born November 8, 2011, 3:45 pm

17 inches long

3lb 12 0z

pouty mc pouty face

2011-11-07T14:49:00.001-08:00

As of this weekend I no longer lead the teenage girl's youth group at my church.

And it sucks.

And I hate it.

And I can't explain to you how much it meant to me to be able to work with those girls each week.

For those of you who are of a different religion (likely the majority of people who read this blog - all 2 of you) I'll probably need to explain a few things here...

The church I belong to is run entirely by volunteers. So, for example, my husband is the finance clerk. He processes tithing and cuts checks for reimbursements and so forth. Now unlike most organizations where you sign up for whatever you want to do, in our church you are given a "calling". This means that the bishopric (essentially the pastor and two assistant pastors) pray about what position to place you in and then extend the "call" to you. You then have the opportunity to also pray about this position and either accept the call or not. Having not grown up in this church, I have zero experience and only a very small understanding of most of the positions within the church. Hence, when I was called as the "Young Women's President" I had no idea what that was or what that meant. Thus, I also had no idea how much I would freaking LOVE EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF IT.
ok
there were probably times when I didn't love it... but I can't think of any of those times.

Seriously it was one of the best experiences of my life. The opportunity to help mold the future female generation of America? HELLS YEAH! The opportunity to do sleepovers and tea parties and go camping and teach them how to be strong Christian women? I mean, does it get better than that?

No.

Quite frankly, it doesn't.

And just like a calling is extended by the bishopric when they feel so impressed to extend it, it is also taken away. This is called being "released". It feels, at least at this moment, a little like getting your heart ripped out of your chest for no good reason. That is if you enjoy your calling. I suppose some people accept a calling out of some weird sense of obligation or something and then bide their time till they get released. But either way, you just have to trust that the bishopric has received inspiration from God that your time is up like they received inspiration for your call in the first place.

My time is likely up because I'm about to have babies and leading a large organization of leaders and youth will get more challenging. Our church emphasizes family so much that they try really hard not to ever have a demanding calling (some are more time consuming than others) that could interfere with families.

But that's dumb. At least in our case.

Seriously.

I freaking worked full time and went to grad school full time and held it together. Why is having babies an automatic shut out?

And I think its a seriously poor message to send to young women - that you can't be a leader and have babies. I feel like I'm fighting this stigma on so many fronts. Does no one believe me when I say that Doug and I really are equal partners in this whole thing? That he will be raising these boys just as much as I will?

blah.

I hate it.

So I'm crying and pouting, and likely will be for a while.

And I know, I know. Babies will be great and maybe this is for the best and blah blah blah. But right now I just feel frustrated by the whole thing.

And I miss those girls.

And I know I can still see them around and attend their school events and stay in touch over facebook and all that.

But I want more. And I fear that eventually they'll just be creeped out that I still want to keep the relationships we've developed over the last 3 years. And creeped out that I'm not letting go like everyone else does when they are released. And I'll go from seeing them multiple times a week to seeing them every once in a while. And all that sucks.

And my next calling is probably going to be something like 'toilet bowl cleaner'.

31 weeks and some ramblings

2011-11-03T13:10:00.001-07:00

Yay for blurry phone pics! Also - notice how angry I look... hahaha. Honestly its because I was concentrating and I always look pissed when I'm focused for some reason.

I realized if I'm going to actually keep you posted on these growing developments then we're going to have to be okay with crappy phone pictures rather than fancy DLSR photos. I just don't care enough to have a fancy and flattering photo taken every week.

And sorry for the radio silence. I'm just not sure what to say at the moment. I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now. Like -

happy that the boys are still inside and growing
unhappy that the boys are still inside and growing

grateful to have a job and still be able to work
ungrateful to have a job and still be working

and so on

And this whole process has been so interesting. I kinda thought that I would have a lot more doctor's appointments and that they'd be really concerned about me all the time. But that hasn't really been the case. For example, statistically speaking - the likelihood of me getting past 35 weeks is really really low. However, when speaking with our doctor last week he said "yeah we'll see you again 32 weeks for a minute and then around 34 weeks and get an ultrasound and then around 37 or so we'll start figuring out an induction date..." Both Doug and I looked at him a bit incredulously, like, um... does he just have a feeling or something that I'm going to be one of the few people who actually go full term with twins? Me? Like, 5 feet tall and (used to be) 100lbs? We both sorta responded with a "oooooookaay doc, whatever you say"...

And not being able to really plan around their arrival makes things a bit interesting. Like, "Yeah let's hang out...unless we are having two babies and then we'll hang out later..."

And I sorta thought that by having some baby stuff that I'd feel more prepared to have babies... but I don't.

And my birthday is coming up and I'm going to be older and I'm going to be a mom. Weird. And people will call me mommy or momma and I'll have to think twice before I correct them and say, "No, my name is Jo."

Weird. Life is weird.

fall living room

2011-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of a crappy week so instead of complaining and spewing negativity all over the interwebs, I thought I would just share a few pictures of our living room in the fall time. It's a happy place.

Have a great weekend!

week 29

2011-10-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well here we are at week 29. I hadn't planned on showing the bump much but I think I will try and document it from here on out. If nothing else, I think its helpful for those women who are pregnant with twins to get a comparison. At least that has been mostly helpful for me (except for when I think - crap, look how amazing that woman looks).

So here is the babies update -

I had an INCREDIBLE baby shower this weekend thrown by my best friend Leah who flew from Colorado just to throw me this party. Isn't she the best? I wish everyone were so lucky to have such a wonderful person in their life. I didn't take any pictures because I was busy being...uh, showered?!
ha
anyway, I will get some pictures from those who were able to snap a few of the event. It was just perfect.

The boys are both breech right now. Hopefully they will turn in the next little while and stay that way.

They weigh about 2.5 lbs (Baby A) and close to 3 lbs (Baby B). They need to double in size in the next few weeks before they are born.

I failed my gestational diabetes test. I go in for more testing tomorrow.

My husband and I attended a birthing class last week and have part 2 of the class this evening. We sat in the back and watched the instructor with wide eyes. Doug was very intrigued and learned a lot. He now tries to casually throw in words like "fundus" into our conversations. Fun! ...dus (that was terrible. sorry)

So that's the babies update for now.

Pray that they turn and grow and stay inside!

stuck in an elevator

2011-10-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well I had a unique experience today. I got stuck in an elevator for an hour and a half.

I was on the third floor of our building in a meeting and decided to check out the library in one of the offices up there. I was looking for a book on productivity (oddly enough) and roped a co-worker into helping me browse through the books. We grabbed a few books and then he held the elevator for me. The very second I stepped in, the elevator door closed and then freaked out. It started making noises and then all of the lights turned on. It was at that time that I mentioned that I have a strange electrical problem and that I've shorted out 5 computers at work and have blown almost every fuse in my house by plugging stuff in.
He didn't appreciate my withholding that information until then.
Luckily my co-worker had a phone and we were able to call the building operations manager who then called the elevator people who showed up quite quickly.

There was a large crowd outside when we finally emerged. They clapped and cheered for us. I felt a little like a rock star.

And I was told later that telling the elevator people that there is a lady who could possibly deliver twins any day stuck in the elevator, really sped up the average response time.

So see? Being pregnant isn't all bad?! :)

And here is some proof -

Above is some of my co-workers having fun OUTSIDE the elevator

Below is a picture of me emerging from the elevator with my co-worker Jason (check me out looking huge at 28 weeks pregnant)

cider and pumpkins and a song

2011-10-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

via

We had a fabulous time pressing apples on Saturday night to make cider. Man that stuff is GOOD!

Tonight we are headed to a pumpkin patch. I love getting pumpkins from patches. It's so much more romantic. Wouldn't you agree?

via

And also I love this song. I listened to it about 100x today.

That is all for now.

from my office window

2011-10-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

via

This is the view I'm looking out on today. It snowed yesterday in the mountains. I live (and work!) in a beautiful place.

heteropaternal superfecundation and other things I'm learning

2011-10-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

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So we found out on Friday that the boys are what are known as 'di/di' twins. This means they are Dichorionic/Diamniotic, which in normal people speak means that they are in two separate sacs and have two separate placentas (we actually knew this before but I wasn't familiar with the medical term). This is the safest situation for twins (woot!) and also means that the chance of them being fraternal (or non-identical) is somewhere between 75% - 99%. We won't know for sure until after they are born. They will first do a blood test to see if they have the same blood type. If they do, then we will do a DNA test in order to determine if they are identical. Some people opt not to have this test done but I feel like it's important information for them and for us in case of any medical situations in the future.

I've started to have a lot of contractions this week. Most of them are fairly mild but a few have been pretty hard. I've started to get really worried about them being born very prematurely. I'm at 27 weeks this week and really need to get to at least 34 weeks. I constantly look up terrible things about how early twins can be delivered and survive. Right now they have a really good chance but they'd be in the NICU for a very long time. Ugh. It makes me sad to think about. There are so few things to comfort me about all this. I feel them kick and I hear their heartbeats at the appointments but I want more. I have literally tried to find out if I could purchase a little heartbeat hearing device thingy just to calm my nerves. Turns out people don't really sell hospital equipment like that to street folk... and x-ray machines? Don't even try. :)

Oh and heteropaternal superfecundation? yeah it's like a really rare twin thing where a woman gets pregnant while she is already pregnant and gets pregnant by a different father. So essentially she has two separate babies in her stomach by two different men that are gestationally about a month or so apart.

I read about all these random twin things now. It's a sickness.

Maybe say a prayer that these boys stay put for at least 6 more weeks. We'd appreciate it.

then and now

2011-09-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

me at 7 weeks pregnant with twins

me at 25 weeks pregnant with twins (last week)

some fall foliage pics

2011-09-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

We've been up in the canyon as much as possible these days. The colors on the mountains are just incredible. Here are some of our (unedited) photos of late...

We found an apple orchard that will give us all the apples on the ground for free. Bruised apples are usually called "seconds" and they make for GREAT cider. So tonight we are heading up to the canyon again to pick up apples in the orchard. The picture directly above this is taken from the orchard. Not a bad place to spend an evening, eh?

some tips for pulling off a huge dinner event

2011-09-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've done this giant dinner now for a number of years and I thought I would just quickly jot down a few tips for pulling off an event like this. So here are my ideas, for what it's worth:

1. White Christmas lights can make any event feel magical

2. Candles are cheap and have large visual effect so use a ton of them for evening events

3. If you use candles in jars and also use coffee beans, use tall candles. Coffee beans are visually pleasing and have a nice aroma but they hold heat really well. If you have short candles (like I did last year) it will melt the candle in about 3 seconds flat. Use tall candles and have the heat at the top of the lid and your lovely candle display will last much longer.

4. Glass with lights is also visually catching. Jam jars are your cheapest so if you want to use glass and also not worry about if it breaks in the hubbub of the evening, use different heights of jars with candles in them.

5. When feeding a huge group, really really plan the menu. Turkey, for example, is one giant piece of meat that you stick in the oven and virtually forget about. This will make life easier. Trust.

6. And about turkey - use a brine and a bag. It makes all the difference. Essentially you lock in a fabulous flavor with perfect moisture with a brine. By cooking the turkey in a bag you don't have to baste it every 30 min. You just put it in the bag and forget about it in the oven. The turkey turns out perfect and you free yourself up to do other stuff in the kitchen.

7. Chutney with meat is a great way to go. Gravy feels too Thanksgivingish and chutney sounds fancy. It can also be served at room temperature so you can make it in advance.

8. Try to plan something from each food group but also try to cook as little as possible. Autumn greens. Butter Rolls. These things I purchase. I get the rolls from a bakery because they are just as good as anything I can make by hand. And salad is salad. It doesn't taste any better if you buy it in a bag or if you chop all the lettuce by hand (in my opinion). Save yourself some time and just buy these low impact plate fillers.

9. The Power of Marketing. Describe your food with finesse if you're going to have a menu.

10. Visual impact with food is also key. Try to make it look as appealing as possible. Garnish? Sure. Lovely dishes? Yeah. Space a placement on the table? Yup. Sometimes the yummiest food doesn't look awesome and will never get eaten. If you're cooking for that many people, you want every last morsel to be devoured so take the time to make it look as good as it tastes.

11. If you're going to have people help you (and you should) give them the fun stuff to do but give them guidance. For example, I had my friend Kelsee do the honey butter favors. I had Doug do the lights and set up stuff (tables and chairs and lights - all perfect for the husband to work on). I drew up a little plan of what I wanted and Doug put it together perfectly. This allowed me to not have to think about what was going on outside so I could focus on food and other details.

12. Fabric. Fabric can have a big impact. Toole over the lights helps keep bugs out, has visual impact, and is cheap. It is about the consistency of gauze. Burlap on the table is also pretty cheap for fabric and makes for a lovely fall runner. White table cloths are classic and you can often find bulk table cloths for fairly inexpensive (and these get used ALL the time so its worth the investment if you host things often). These table cloths were actually round ones but when they are layered, it makes for a scalloped edge effect and still looks nice.

13. Music. Its important to have something in the background playing. No one notices it until there are those few awkward little pauses in conversations. Its nice to break up silence. I always go with something like the Frank Sinatra station on Pandora. Classic and pleasant.

14. BORROW EVERYTHING. For this event I borrowed silverware, white plates, chairs, tables and so on. If you belong to a church, they will often let you borrow things or rent for pennies. Loads of people have white plates and silverware so you can create a cohesive look without spending money. The pears were provided by my boss. He brought some pears in one day and I asked him if he had a tree. When he said he did I immediately jumped on the idea of free pears! The more free things you can get the better. But you have to think out things in advance so you can be keeping your eyes and ears open for opportunities when they come along.

15. Know when to hire someone. I have the desserts done by a friend of mine who does desserts professionally. Dessert is an important icing on the cake of the event. It's important to have something that leaves a lasting impression since its likely the last food impression you'll leave. Because of this, I hire someone who is better than me at desserts. Then I also get to enjoy them because it's a treat for me as well. I can do desserts but this lady can DO desserts, so I kick it up a notch and have her do them. (plus - trust me, you'll have enough to worry about without adding desserts to your list).

16. Have fun. You are the host and if you're stressed then it immediately changes the mood of stuff. I read years ago in a Martha Stewart magazine that she purposefully doesn't have everything in place when people arrive. She enlists people to help finish things like setting the table because it helps people not feel awkward, gives them something to do, and gets them invested in the meal right off the bat. I do the same thing (though not always intentionally- sometimes I'm just running a few minutes behind). Learning how to delegate will help you to be in a better mood and will help others enjoy the meal as well. Things I delegate are things like,
1. lighting candles
2. filling water pitchers
3. filling glasses with water and/or ice
4. setting the table
5. placing food/butter dish/salt and pepper/etc on the table
6. getting music set up and finding right volume
7. any dishes that could be quickly washed or placed in the dishwasher

and so on

(oh and another tip - IKEA. I get so much stuff from there for cheap. Goblets are cheaper to buy there then rent anywhere - though you should borrow if you can. And they have a fabulous napkin selection...)

Anyway, this was a long wordy post and probably doesn't even apply to many people but I wish I would've known some of these things a few years ago when I began. I did individual chicken breasts and had to use 3 different ovens. Ugh! Or last year I had candles on candle sticks and the wax dripped all over the burlap. Getting wax out of burlap took FOREVER! Putting candles in jars was much cleaner and still looked just as fabulous.

Hopefully these are helpful things to know for any of you who might put on a big event like this in the future.

Good luck!

the leadership dinner

2011-09-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

The leadership dinner turned out fabulous. It was a wonderful night and I thought it all came together beautifully but I'll let you be the judge...

btw - these are all unedited photos taken by my husband. Pretty good eh?

Random Things Friday (again)

2011-09-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Here are my random things for today:

Every six months or so I toy with the idea of painting my piano. It currently looks like this -

but wouldn't it look cool if it looked like this -

or this -

Also I'm really into music by Moby this week, like this song -

You can read a fabulous article by one of the heads of the company I work for (an author on our last two books) about behavioral change and about tips on how to get promoted more specifically. Check it out here

Ok. I think that's all the random stuff for today.

Have any fun weekend plans? We are going to a football game today and then I have the big dinner tomorrow. WOOT! I'm so excited for it. I promise to take pictures (actually I promise that my husband will take pictures because he is becoming quite the photographer and I'll be busy cooking and setting stuff up...)

Have a great weekend!

p.s. Thank you for your comments this week on being a working mother (or a SAHM) and finding balance and trying to plan. I really appreciate the wisdom I gain from those of you who know have been down these roads before me.

working with twins

2011-09-21T09:07:00.001-07:00

I plan to go back to work after the boys are born. I have a few months of prep when I come back before I can move into a full time trainer role. Once in that role my schedule should be fabulous. I will train full days about 8-10 days a month and the rest of the time I will work from home or in the office as my schedule suits me. I'll actually make more money than I currently do while working far less hours. SHWEET!
Meanwhile, my husband will likely be working for the same company as me and will work as a contractor who can set his own hours. This means we can both make our schedules fairly flexible.
How this will all work, I have no idea.

Literally, I have no idea how to juggle two babies and two careers. I have this really fuzzy idea that maybe Doug will be home in the mornings and then we will hire someone in the late morning till early afternoon and then I'll come home by 2pm or 3pm. But I have no idea and I don't have any people to look to as examples. All the twin moms I know (uh, that being 2 people) are stay-at-home moms. And I'd go surfing the web for someone to learn from but I know in the end it would just be different. It seems like every situation is different.

I've thought about this many many many times. As my maternity leave veers closer I've tried to come up with an exact plan to give my employer so I can ease their nerves about my short departure. However, this is hard to do with my limited knowledge of what its like to, you know, have two babies living in my house.

What's worse is that I get a lot of grief from people about returning to work with TWO babies at home. Like, maybe it would be okay if I just had one but TWO is just an outrage.

For example, this morning I was at the dentist office (perfect bill of health btw - super proud of that because I haven't been in 2.5 years and I work hard to take good care of my teeth... but I digress). The dental assistant was asking me about if I'll go back to work and I said that yes I would. She asked if I would be moving to part time and I said that no, I wouldn't. She looked confused, as if this was a math equation and I was telling her that 1+1= 3 (which in my case it does... get it? cause twins... ok lame. sorry) Anyway, she asked if my husband was going to stay at home and I said that he would also be working full time. I told her that we have fairly flexible schedules and we will also likely hire someone for a few hours each day. She sorta looked at me incredulously.

Now this may very well be because I live in Provo of all places, where working mothers is a complete anomaly (see this article here) but I find it frustrating that women aren't saying, "More power to you - you are the wave of the future of American families," instead of, "Satanist heathen woman who sacrifices her children for her own priorities."

Ok. Maybe they don't say that exactly. They probably don't even think that at all actually but it makes for a better story this way.

AND THEN A HUMMING BIRD FLEW IN THE DENTAL OFFICE

ha. Now that'd be a great story.

I'm really getting off-track here. Aaaaanyway

the lady tried to schedule my next cleaning for 6 months. She asked if the same time was going to work for me. I had absolutely no idea. She asked what day of the week would work best.

buh

um

I don't know.

And that's when I realized that I truly have no idea what my life will look like in 6 months from now. I don't think that has really ever happened to me. I'm such a planner. Like, I make plans even when I am fairly certain that they will never happen. Plans help me feel secure and in control and I have 100 different plans for all the different variables at any given time.

But now

I can't really do that anymore. In fact, this whole thing (pregnant with twins) has completely screwed up all my plans. And then planning for the next 6 months? I wouldn't even know where to begin. I figure I need to sorta feel it out for a bit after they are born in order to come up with a plan that seems like it would work. And then even after that I'll have to adjust it again once I move into the training role.

I know it will all work out. I know it's all in God's plans even if it's not in mine.

I mean, people do this all the time. People juggle kids and careers and marriages and life and they make it work.

And I'm a person. And I'm married to a person. Well actually I'm married to a saint. So one person + one saint = doable work/babies life.

Right?

p.s. The picture up top is a translator for the European Parliament. Isn't that just inspiring?

random things...tuesday

2011-09-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

One week in I failed at posting on Friday. Ha.

oh well

Friday I was coordinating a giant fundraiser for the girl's youth group I oversee at church. I'd try and explain the scope of it to you but it'd probably just sound like bragging. Lets just say it was a large event with lots of different moving parts and it magically came together and we raised a handsome chunk of change.

Also on a completely unrelated note (random much?) these babies are trying to KILL ME!!! Today I had the pleasure of a quick emergency trip to the hospital because I hadn't felt one of them move in close to 24 hrs. I was doing my best not to freak out but when I called my clinic and they told me to go the hospital, I was stressin.

Turns out that Baby A has turned onto his side and is now kicking and punching his brother rather than kicking me so much. So all is fine. But seriously? Ugh. Its amazing how much I worry about these guys considering I'm not even sure if I like them yet. :)

ok maybe I like them. or love them. maaaaaybe

but not if they pull this crap again. Turning on his side. Who does he think he is?

Anyway

This Saturday I have the annual Young Women's Leadership Appreciation Dinner. Say that 3x fast. I'm SO excited for it. I've been looking at fall table settings and such and I can tell you this dinner is going to look AND taste amazing. I'll be sure to post some pictures next week.

for now

check out this online magazine (where I got some of my ideas for this dinner from)

and this one

and is this not one of the cutest things you've seen?

And then listen to this song

and then for a change of pace and a sweet note to end on, listen to this one

also I keep checking out cute fall outfits and then remembering that I wouldn't actually look like that

because I look like this instead

just kidding. It's not that bad. I'll post a picture one of these days. We just got a new camera lens that should work wonders for me :)

k thats all for now

much love

hummy

2011-09-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

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A few years ago my father hung up a humming bird feeder outside my kitchen window. It's been a real source of delight. We love to see humming birds!
This morning my father was drinking coffee and looking out the window when I walked into the kitchen. He proclaimed, "Well, I think Hummy is gone for the season."
I could sense a little sadness in his voice.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Yeah, I haven't seen him for a few days."

(Hummy is the name all humming birds have been christened with by my father.)

Doug walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, I had a dream about a humming bird last night. It was blue and orange..."
I interjected, "I don't think humming birds come in blue and orange varieties."

"uh well it was a DREAM" said Doug.

"...right" I said sheepishly.

"Yeah, it was blue and orange and it flew into our house," explained Doug.

I told dad and Doug about how I once had to shew a bird out of my house but that I wasn't sure how you'd go about doing that with a humming bird.

fast forward to this afternoon

Me, Doug and dad were all sitting on the porch eating lunch and enjoying the fabulous fall weather. All of a sudden we saw HUMMY!

"Hey I guess Hummy isn't gone quite yet!" I said, pointing out Hummy to my father.

Doug piped up, "Hey come here Hummy so we can see if you're blue and orange!"

We laughed but then wouldn't you know it? Hummy flew right over to Doug and I and hovered about 1 foot above our heads! I whispered to Doug that he looked gray to me and Doug whispered back that he agreed.

and then

HUMMY FLEW IN OUR HOUSE!!! no kidding! It was incredible. All three of us jumped up in excitement and started laughing. Hummy flew around in the living room for a bit and then flew out.

I quickly asked Doug what else was in his dream.

Apparently we bought a tv antenna so we could watch college football. That was the rest of the dream...

wah wah

But how cool that Hummy flew in the house!

Random Things Friday

2011-09-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

I've thought about starting a series called Random Things Friday but then I'd be held to the standard of posting every.single.friday. and that's a lot of pressure...

anyway

Here are some random things for you on THIS Friday and I'll sometimes do this again on other Fridays...but don't hold me to that

A great song

A great quote here

A few interesting articles:

One here about addiction

One here about jobs being obsolete

One here about the long term effects of what age your child starts kindergarten (don't worry - this WILL make you paranoid)

And last but not least, a fabulous video from TED talks that apparently everyone has seen but me. BUT if you're like me and a little slow to viral stuff then I've linked it here below, just for you.

BTW - I totally agree with this talk. Its by author Elizabeth Gilbert and its about creativity.

and that's all the random things I find interesting that I wanted to share with you today.

Have a great weekend all

baby steps

2011-09-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well we have now officially bought ONE WHOLE THING for the nursery.

It's a dresser.

It's this dresser:
But instead of it having those boring little knobs, I bought some super awesome hardware called Library pulls.

They look akin to this:

Our labels won't look quite like that though. They'll likely not be written in cursive and in French but rather crude printed English with labels like -

"Ice Cream" or maybe "Cereal"

but instead the drawers will actually contain diapers... :)

This is my idea of how to get Doug to open the drawer... and then proceed to change the poopy diapers.

Genius, right?

Yeah. That should work.

Anyway, we had an appointment last week and an ultrasound and all looks well and good and alien. They are growing just as they should and are healthy and squirmy. They are measuring right at 23 weeks each, which means I'm measuring at like 28 weeks or so. I've gained 20lbs (which is exactly what I was suppose to gain by this point) and I have 20 more to go. Yikes! That means I need to gain about 20lbs in 12-13 weeks.

Luckily I'm really hungry. All the time. Like - I might try and eat this keyboard.

mmmmmmm keeeeybooooard

feeling better

2011-09-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

Uh well I feel better now.

I have a lot of freak out moments but then I get over it pretty quickly.

Sorry about all that yesterday.

I did what I always do when I'm getting to that point - I went to the mountains. We walked around on a beautiful tree covered path and sat at the bottom of a waterfall. It was lovely and just what I needed.

What I should tell myself on days like yesterday is stuff like -

You're doing great. You're growing two healthy baby boys and your body is amazing. You're pushing yourself everyday and everyone, including your sweet husband, is proud of you and is just trying to help you.

and

Your friend just had a baby and it slept in a basket for the first 3 weeks of its life. Don't worry about the crib... rrr cribs. Don't worry about stuff. You'll figure it out. All you really need are car seats to get them home and then some working boobs to feed them. You'll be fine.

and

Your babies are doing great. They kick you thousands of times a day just to tell you so.

and so on.

On my better days I can tell myself those types of things and I can even mostly believe them.

Plus, you know what today is?

the FIRST DAY OF SEPTEMBER!!

that means fall is just around the corner

aaaahhhhhhh :)

feeling stressed

2011-08-31T09:01:00.001-07:00

I feel stressed. I feel this way a lot lately. I feel stressed on the way to work because I have a giant surge of testosterone in my body because of two little boys in my stomach and I feel super aggressive in the car. Every little thing on the way to work irks me even though I have the most lovely and calm mornings at home (now that I'm not throwing up every morning).

Then I get to work and I feel stressed at work because I don't feel "in" to my job right now. I am distracted by tons of non-stop movement in my ever increasing belly. I'm distracted by hunger, nagging and un-satisfied constant hunger. I am frustrated at not being able to pursue the training role right now because I can't physically do them and because I have to jump through all sorts of hoops to prove that I work well with people ever since I got those anonymous negative reviews back in July.

I feel frustrated and stressed at home because I can't get as much stuff done as I did previously. I feel tired and just want to lay down but then I see my husband doing all 500 things that I was supposed to be doing and I feel guilty. I should do more. How will it all get done if I don't?

I feel stressed about having babies that I don't know how to take care of.

I feel stressed about all the "stuff" I need for babies that I don't even know about. How do I choose a breast pump? What if I have milk issues and I don't even end up using it and I spend all this money on it? What if I end up feeding them like every 2 seconds and I can never sleep and I end up hating them?
Or
How does someone choose a car seat? How much should I trust online reviews? How do you get a baby in a car seat?

And thats nothing compared to the incessant worry about
are the boys ok? what if something happens to them? what would I do? how would I cope? What if one is way bigger than the other? What if they hate each other? What if I can't make it to at least 35 weeks and they end up in the NICU for weeks on end? How are we going to afford two babies?

And then I feel guilty for feeling stressed because I know its not good for the babies.

And on top of it all EVERYONE wants to give me advice. I listened, at first, with ready and eager ears. "Oh, yes of course I should read that book" or "Yeah, make it all business when you have twins because there's no time for cuddles with 2 at a time. Got it."
But then
after a while I just felt annoyed. Maybe its because of all the testosterone in my body but mostly now I just want to punch people. Why does everyone feel the need to tell me how to raise children I don't even have yet? Why does everyone want to tell me what I can and can't do as a pregnant woman?

"oh a boat. No, no. Don't go on a boat"
"a slide. Definitely not. Pregnant women shouldn't go on slides"
"fish? are you sure you want to eat that?
"you need to be drinking this much water"
"pee this many times a day"
"make sure you get enough sleep"
"don't eat junk food. What you eat now is what your babies will crave later in life"
"you should listen to classical music everyday"

and on
and on
and on

And why does everyone tell me how hard its going to be? I'm so tired of hearing that. I GET IT! HOLY HELL I GET IT! But for someone who waited 7+ years to have a kid telling me how effing hard its going to be DOESN'T HELP ME. It makes me dread their arrival. Its hard now but man alive, its going to be the worst time of my life I guess when they are born. Yeesh!

And the worst part is that I feel unsure of myself all the time. I haven't felt unsure of myself since I was a teenager. I don't know how to be a responsible pregnant woman. And I'm already responsible for these little lives and every single thing I do can potentially affect them. It's a lot of pressure.

So that's why I'm feeling stressed.

asidufhailejrtiuh@)p(#%&(hskldjlkjsdHGOQEFIOH@)($#(8!!

on keeping pregnancy a secret

2011-08-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

(would've been even better if they were twin boys but whatev)

People have marveled that Doug and I didn't tell our families or the public about the pregnancy until I was nearly 20 weeks.
But let me tell you something, we didn't even talk about me being pregnant for about 2 months.
Then in month three we just joked about it.
Then in month four we finally decided to acknowledge it.
At the end of that month Doug's parents came out to visit us and I was CLEARLY pregnant by that point. So the secret was then out to at least 2 people (besides co-workers and the rest of the people who see me in person) and one of them was my mother-in-law...
This is the sweet woman who told me where I was going on my "secret" honeymoon location about a week before the wedding :) ...
And the woman who can't look you in the face if she has a secret (an exciting secret) because she will start smiling and giggling.
So, we knew we had to move quick and hence the quickly and somewhat shoddily made video I posted a week or two ago.
There were other reasons why we waited (previous miscarriage, sister-in-law having a baby in June, complete and utter denial of babies existing inside me) but ultimately Doug and I are surprisingly private people... rrr wait.
No.
No we're not.

We just love a good surprise!

Have a great weekend everyone! We're going to a baseball game tonight, picking raspberries tomorrow, and welcoming my dad back for the fall on Sunday! Fun times!

on finding out about being pregnant with twins

2011-08-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Let me first say this: I cannot imagine the pain of struggling with infertility. I don't begin to understand the difficulty of that trial. I have friends who are valiantly fighting that battle and I love them. I recognize that my writing on being pregnant could cause some people pain, and for that I apologize. It is never my intention to hurt anyone. I do plan, however, to write on this topic quite a bit for the next few months as this is something that is really consuming my life right now. I won't write on pregnancy or babies exclusively and I'll always do my best to be sensitive to those who may be struggling in this area. I love you and I encourage you to stay strong.

So

Where to start? I got pregnant back in March/April sometime. I found out I was pregnant on May 1st and graduated from grad school a few days later. After the graduation festivities died down my husband and I went to the midwife clinic I had been going to regularly for years to make sure everything was good and to confirm I was pregnant. Because I had had an ectopic pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage around 4-5 months earlier the doctors wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure that the pregnancy was progressing in the uterus and not somewhere out in my butt like the last time (I joke about miscarriage and about most uncomfortable topics as a coping mechanism and it works for me. Don't be offended.)
When my husband and I went to do the ultrasound the tech was very quiet. This had happened previously with the miscarriage and my heart was sad that this would be yet another unfortunate loss. When the tech finally spoke up she said, "Well they both look pretty good".
I was pretty sure she meant my fallopian tubes so I just remained quiet and slightly confused. My husband spoke up and said somewhat hesitantly, "When you say they you mean like her girl part tube things or something?"
The tech responded, "Well you definitely have one healthy baby and I think this one is another one over here."
...
silence
...
Doug: "Mmm?"
Jo: "what?"
...
tech: "It could just be a fluid sac but it might be another baby. Its hard to tell this early on. You'll have to come back in a few weeks."
...
Doug: "Mmm?"
Jo: "what?"

tech: "We'll schedule another one in 3-4 weeks. Congratulations!"
...
Doug: mumble incoherent things
Jo: "ummm ok. Yeah. um. Thanks."

WHAT?!? opqiwefhlskdjgbaowiefjoasdfnlksgpoeuirh

Over the following four weeks we went on trip to California and then to Phoenix. We didn't speak about the pregnancy and when we did it was mostly me telling Doug that there was NO WAY IN THE WORLD I'm pregnant with twins. We don't have twins in either family. I'm a very small person. My body can't handle twins. I wasn't on fertility drugs. For goodness sake I wasn't even healthy. I was surviving on puff Cheetos and water trying to finish grad school.
No twins, Doug. No worries. And he believed me.

I'd secretly began to wonder though. I was already starting to show. I'm a little person but I was getting big very quickly...

Sometime around the end of May or beginning of June we went in for a second ultrasound. I explained to the new tech that we were there to confirm that we weren't having twins. Just before he placed the goo on my stomach I explained to him:

"Mr. Ultrasound Tech man, my husband and I waited about 6 years to start a family because we felt overwhelmed by the idea of having ONE child. If this turns out to be TWO babies, please understand that 1. Doug needs to be sitting down and 2. this is going to rock our world so be patient with our reactions."

The tech was really great and very understanding. He shook his head at least twice to indicate that he understood me. He put the wand thing on my stomach and within about two seconds he looked down at me and held up two fingers so that Doug couldn't see. Then he said, "shall I tell him or shall you?"

I looked over at Doug with tears in my eyes and Doug immediately started to cry. I think the tech thought these to be tears of joy from Doug and I and he instantly got really giddy and started talking. A lot. He was explaining each baby and the sacs and the heart beats and the everything and moving around arrows on the screen and meanwhile both Doug and I were in our own worlds. My mind was empty and I blankly stared at the screen and pretended to listen to the faint sound of the tech speaking. Doug's mind was racing at a million miles an hour and his face expressed the complete terror that he was feeling.

When we left the hospital that day we had time to go back to work. And we did...for about five minutes. We both realized that there was no way we were going to get anything done and so we headed home...in silence.

I don't think we even spoke that night. In fact we didn't really talk about my being pregnant or about twins for nearly a month. We began dealing with incredible morning sickness (and afternoon and night) and with finding a new clinic that works with MOMs (moms of multiples) and with me trying to do trial trainings and standing on my feet for two solid days and not throwing up during a highly intense period at work while I was being observed as a trainer. It was an intense time.

Towards the end of June we were asked to have our home in the Provo Historic Home tour. We were honored and it was a crazy week of intense cleaning and prepping of our house. Moments before hundreds of people were to walk through our house and with people lined up outside, I started bleeding.

My entire world stopped. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't use the bathroom in my house because people were now walking through it. I couldn't go to my neighbor's house because they too were in the tour. I was afraid to move because I thought I could loose the babies. I slowly walked inside to where my husband was playing host and quietly told him I was bleeding. His face went a bit white and he tried not to look worried as people asked us about the age of the house and what was original and how long we had owned it.

I called the doctor and they told me to stay put and monitor the bleeding. If it continued to get worse I should go to the Emergency Room. If it slowed or stopped I should come into their office on Monday. It was Friday. It suddenly became a very long weekend. My mind was frantic as I wondered, 'how much blood is too much?' 'is this happening because I didn't really want twins?' 'how much movement is ok?'

But for the first time, for both me and Doug, we realized that we didn't want to loose these babies.

It was a magical moment when we went into the office on Monday and saw two perfectly healthy human-looking beings bouncing all around in my stomach. I let out an audible sigh of relief as we listened to their quick little heart beats and watched them move their little limbs.

We weren't in love with them then, but we've been falling for them ever so slowly since.

hello and hello

2011-08-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

Watch this video Doug and I put together a few weeks ago.

expect more blogposts

summer and blah blah blah

2011-08-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

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I guess I haven't updated this in a little while. Not much to say at the moment. The yard sale was sorta bunk unfortunately but we got rid of a lot of crap sooooo that was good. We had a good time with the in-laws. We played a lot of games and enjoyed three or four nights of summer storms (and by the way, not to brag but the weather here has been amazing this summer! Not sure why we've had it so good while the rest of the country is in the middle of a record breaking heat wave buuuuuut I'll take it!!)
So yeah. We've just been hanging out, reading a lot, playing guitar, watching movies, avoiding anything warm. I've got a few more weeks of summer fun planned (camping, boating, anniversarying...) and then September will bring the commencement of fall projects and all the wonderful fun things we do in fall, which is about 100x more than what we do in the summer. I've realized I'm not really a summer person that much. I don't like being hot. I'm kinda a wimp in the heat. Maybe if I lived near an ocean or maybe a river that was slow and meandering instead of deathly fast river that can kill you...to death (like, dead) then I would be more of a summer person. Or maybe if summer were exactly like autumn then I'd be a summer person. Yes. That would be best.

Anyway, I hope you are all having an excellent summer. Anyone have a good lemon desert recipe? I think that might help me be more in the summer mood...

summer songs and yard sales and in-laws

2011-07-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

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Well it looks like my posts of late have been a little on the heavy side. Sorry about that. Let's lighten it up a bit with this topic:

Summer songs

I have a giant list of songs I listen to in the summertime. For some reason they mostly include oldies but I thought I'd list 5 songs for you to add to your summer play list if you don't already have them -

1. NYC Girl by The Orion Experience
2. Sister Golden Hair by America
3. If Looks Could Kill by Camera Obscura
4. In the Summertime by Mungo Jerry

5. Busted by The Black Keys (or pretty much anything by the Black Keys...sigh)

We're having a yard sale tomorrow. We'll be setting it up for hours on end tonight. Want to see the ad I placed for it? :)

Come enjoy the thrill of the hunt at the BEST YARD SALE EVER!!! What makes this yard sale better than all the rest? I'm glad you asked. Let me count the ways:
1. we have shade
2. we have fabulous stuff that we are selling for CHEAP
3. you will not have to sift through nasty used panties and crusty unwashed dishes to find that one piece of treasure
4. everything is displayed as if in a lovely boutique because I'm one of the most anal retentive people in the world and because I know and appreciate design and exhibit with aesthetic prowess (and I'm using the word prowess in a craigslist ad... points? yes?)
5. we can tell you the story behind almost any of the things we are selling because we like things with a history (i.e. our house was built in 1894...)
6. AND if we don't know the story of the object then we will tell you a really awesome and convincing story about the object that you can feel comfortable repeating to generations for years to come
7. we won't make you feel guilty for perusing and not buying anything (though you'd be crazy not to - hint: window shopping + yard sales = bad)
8. you'll have fun - its your Saturday, you deserve to have a great time and a fabulous day

Items for sale include
- designer pillows, comforters, throws
- art, frames, posters
- men and women's clothes (brands like Banana Republic, H&M, Gap, etc)
- building supplies (limited amounts of wood, paint, random tools)
- antique and new dishes
- vintage tablecloths, aprons, tea towels
- furniture
- and more!

Come enjoy your Saturday with us at...

And so on.

Wouldn't you come to a yard sale with an ad like that?

Anyway, then within hours of the closing of the sale my in-laws will arrive.

If you're wondering who was the idiot who decided they should turn their house over and make it a disaster in order to sell off tons of stuff and then who needs to make it spotless and pass a white-glove test before my lover of cleanliness mother-in-law shows up... well... that'd be... crap, yeah its me.

So, thats my weekend. Happy Friday to you!

on the age of success

2011-07-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

It seems the clamor of concern over success has increased of late. Or maybe my ears are just more keen to it. Either way...
There's this idea in every achievement junkie's mind about where they'll be and what they'll be doing by a certain age. Maybe its in everyone's mind regardless of how prone to belt notching you are.
Where will you be at 25? or 30? How about 50?
And somehow we place value in successes by age. They graduated college at what age? Retired at 30, seriously? President of the United States and only 40-something?

And somehow those exact same sentiments that make our eyebrows go up suddenly become the new goal for the ambitious and competitive types. And for the rest, the ideas of success by a certain age become that much further out of reach.

I'm coming to hate this elusive pressure of success. The older I get and the less I "achieve" the more I feel I have to make up for each year. And this is coming from an admitted achievement-aholic!

I think so many people feel this way. I thought I'd be at least a director by age 30. Or I figured I'd be married by now. And there are so many of these crazy ideas that we just magically place in our head either through sanguine eyes or perceived societal norms.

And now I wonder, where did these ideas come from?

And now I wonder, when I came to have so little faith in God's divine timing?

And now I wonder, who did I allow define success for me?

I know I've been posting a lot of articles lately but I think there are a lot of interesting things out there to read. So heres another one, titled: How Will You Measure Your Life? by a distinguished professor at Harvard Business School named Clayton M. Christensen. Since most of you (myself included) probably don't have an HBR subscription, here it is on some random dude's blog.

I like this article because here is an incredibly successful man in the eyes of the world, let alone the HBS students listening to him as he imparts this wisdom, and he doesn't tout his worldy achievements. He discusses what success has really meant to him. I suspect that his ability to keep this perspective was one of the reasons God blessed him so much in his worldly successes. I like when he writes, "It’s quite startling that a significant fraction of the 900 students that HBS draws each year from the world’s best have given little thought to the purpose of their lives." I think how true that must be. That here we have some of the world's best and brightest, those who have structured their entire lives to achieve achieve ACHIEVE, and yet, not even they have the foggiest idea about what they really want out of life.

Its a crazy rat race. I find myself guilty of committing the "success" by a certain age crime. But I'd like to stop. I'd like to ask what I really want, ask what God wants for me, and have faith that all things will take place in their proper time.

Thats what I'm striving for.

By age 28.

at the least. ;)

when speaking to a little girl

2011-07-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

Did you see this article titled, "How to Talk to Little Girls"?

I highly recommend it.

At the risk of sounding like a complete feminist

wait

no I don't care if I sound like one. How about feminist or not, lets start talking to little girls about more than their pretty hair and lovely dresses!

And maybe it will be fruitless.

It reminds me of when I was first put in charge of all the female adolescents in my church. I asked them to fill out a large questionnaire that asked them about activities they were interested in. Then I went through and ranked them in order of interest. These activities ranged from horseback riding to a career night, and would you guess what? Not one dang girl circled anything about careers, education, colleges, etc. And would you guess what else? Every freaking one of them circled the hair and makeup night.

so

yeah.

I get it. Teenage girls aren't that interested in expanding the confines of their mind. So, too, may little girls not be interested in discussing books or anything beyond barbies and bows.

But lets try.

And you know what? I think they enjoyed the career night.

life lessons from me and conan

2011-07-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well I've not been posting much of late. I'm going through work hell right now. Its kinda absorbing everything in me. I got a few really negative anonymous pieces of feedback during our semi-annual review process. Its been really damaging and turned my world upside down. Luckily my boss and team have nothing but positive reviews of me and the majority of the company feels the same way. My boss and I were able to sift through the comments and work to find the constructive criticism so I can continue to progress. And in the meantime, those people who gave me such poor reviews will hopefully see my efforts and things will get better. Or even better - they'll actually come and approach me about their concerns instead of resorting to putting it on a review. But working through this stuff is easier said than done. And I've had to really work through my hurt feelings and my insecurities about the positive relationships I thought I had with every person I work with. Its hard not to look at everyone suspiciously after receiving such harsh feedback like that and wonder how they might really feel about me. In five years, I've never gotten anything but perfect scores on my reviews and I've always prided myself on being a fabulous employee. These last few weeks really threw me off of my game and for the first time in five years, I haven't enjoyed work. I think I've pretty much trudged through all the crap now and I'm starting to feel better about things. Management listened to my concerns about the feedback process and are working to improve the review process as a result. So hopefully things will get better.

All of this stuff really got me thinking about failure.
For the first time I started to really consider what failure means to me and if I had somehow failed my boss or my company or even myself. I thought about the extraordinarily delicate balance I have between work and church and marriage and everything else and how my marriage and work have always been so solid that I've never had to worry about them. I could worry about everything else. But worrying about work so much made me bring it home with me. And bringing it home with me caused strain on my relationship with my husband. I started to feel what it must be like for people who bring the baggage of work home with them all the time and I worried about failing at all of it. What if one thing snowballs into another and I can't get the pieces untangled enough to stop the momentous fall?
But this is what I came to in the end: sometimes we juggle everything and something happens and we can still somehow juggle everything and fix it simultaneously. And sometimes, we juggle everything and something happens and it all just falls down. And we sit down and cry and stare at all the broken pieces and think that we'll never get it all put back together. But, somehow, amazingly, we do. And sometimes, we just move on and juggle new pieces or less pieces.
This all probably seems really elementary to you because you are so dang smart, but for me it was the first time where I think I allowed myself to let everything fall. And you know what? I didn't even get a crack or a dent in my marriage. And my other obligations just waited on the floor patiently for me to pick them back up when I was ready. And work let me take my time and put the pieces back one by one.
So
It made me think of this awesome commencement speech I heard from Conan O'Brien, whom I love dearly, in which he imparts some life lessons. Its brilliant. Its long. Its 24 min long. Its worth every minute. The first 15 min or so are funny and lightly interspersed with tidbits of wisdom but by the end, ugh, man...its just really amazing.

So here it is:

Work hard. Be kind. And amazing things will happen.

AMEN

2011-07-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

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I saw this article and knew immediately that I wanted to re-post it here on my blog. I feel like sometimes I might be getting cranky in my old age but then I read an article like this and I feel validated. It's not me. It's them.

The subject is permissive parents and here's the article:

If you're the kind of parent who allows your 5-year-old to run rampant in public places like restaurants, I have what could be some rather disturbing news for you.

I do not love your child.

The rest of the country does not love your child either.

And the reason why we're staring at you every other bite is not because we're acknowledging some sort of mutual understanding that kids will be kids but rather we want to kill you for letting your brat ruin our dinner.

Or our plane ride.

Or trip to the grocery store.

Or the other adult-oriented establishments you've unilaterally decided will serve as an extension of your toddler's playpen because you lack the fortitude to properly discipline them, in public and at home.

And we know you don't discipline them at home because you don't possess "the look." If you had "the look," you wouldn't need to say "sit down" a thousand times.

If you had "the look," you wouldn't need to say much of anything at all. But this nonverbal cue needs to be introduced early and reinforced diligently with consequences for transgressions, just like potty training. And whenever a kid throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the shopping mall it's just as bad as his soiling his pants to spite his parents, and it stinks just as much.

I have seen a small child slap her mother in the face with an open hand, only to be met with "Honey, don't hit Mommy." I have seen kids tell their parents "Shut up" and "Leave me alone" at the top of their lungs -- and they are not put in check. I shake my head knowing it's only going to get worse from here.

If I'm sounding a bit judgmental, I assure you I am not alone in my judgment.

Remember that couple that was kicked off an AirTran flight for being unable to control their 3-year-old back in 2007? The child threw a tantrum, refused to get in her seat and delayed the flight by 15 minutes. In a subsequent interview with "Good Morning America," the mother talked about how much more understanding the passengers were compared to the crew that removed the family. That may be true -- but I'm also willing to bet plenty of passengers were happy to have a much quieter flight. An AirTran spokesperson estimated 95% of the 9,000 e-mails the airline received were supportive of taking the family off the plane, according to MSNBC.

Responding to complaints about crying babies keeping people awake, Malaysia Airlines decided to ban infants from first class in some of its flights.

I don't know about you but I would gladly support an airline or restaurant that didn't make someone else's yelling, screaming, kicking offspring my problem.

And there are kid-free cruises and resorts for a reason.

Children are wonderful but they are not the center of the universe. The sooner their parents make them understand that, the better off we all will be.

This is the part of child-rearing people don't like to discuss, because socially, it's not OK to dislike kids. The ugly truth is it's the spineless parents who parade their undisciplined children around like royalty that make people dislike kids.

Parents who expect complete strangers to just deal with it are not doing anyone, including their children, any favors. They are actually making things worse. Not only are their children allowed to interrupt social events and settings when they are young, but they often grow into disruptive forces in the classrooms later. And nobody likes them for that.

I covered education for years and one of the biggest complaints from teachers was about the amount of time they spent disciplining students. Their threats were empty because parents sided with their kids. And, of course, the use of corporal punishment in the classroom is seriously frowned upon, and even punished.

Spanking is not a cure, and should not be the first resort, but I don't think it should automatically be taken off the table when dealing with small kids. We're so preoccupied with protecting children from disappointment and discomfort that we're inadvertently excusing them from growing up.

A young child slapping his or her parent's hand away in defiance is not cute, it's disrespectful. In my house, growing up, that would have earned much more than "the look" from my mother.

If I sound a bit old-school, I am. If I'm coming across as a bit of an ogre, so be it.

As a parent, I can empathize with how difficult raising children can be. There are challenges, especially within the framework of divorce, when parental guilt can sometimes blur what should be the best decision.

But I don't believe making a child's wishes top priority is a demonstration of love. Nor do I believe I, or the rest of the world, should act as a surrogate parents for somebody's bad-ass kids.

You wanted them, deal with them.

by LZ Granderson

So do I sound like a big judgmental jerk yet? Or are you shouting "AMEN" right along with me? I've seriously been appalled at times with what parents will allow their children to do.

On Independence Day, for one example out of a hundred I could choose from just from this weekend alone, we were at a neighborhood breakfast and we saw an unsupervised child running around with a huge piece of rebar. He set it down long enough to unplug all the equipment on the stage near us and then picked it back up so he could put it in the sockets and then knock over the microphones and other equipment with it. Doug, my husband, went and took it from the kid who we assumed at this point was an orphan and had probably killed his parents with a large metal device of sorts, only to discover that his parents were in the yard watching their child destroy thousands of dollars of equipment while they ate pancakes.

Awesome.

Maybe I'm just going to be a mean mom...

via

Sarah Brad

2011-06-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

The other night I was sitting by my husband on the couch. I picked up his phone and started to open up one of the games he has on it when all of a sudden a note flashed at the top of the screen that said:

"Pictures of Sarah Brad"

It was about 10pm by that point and I looked at him quite suspiciously and said:

"Ahem, Who is Sarah Brad? and Why is she sending pictures of herself to you at 10 o'clock at night?"

He rolled his eyes and said:

"Its Sarah Bradley, your new niece. The text flash only has so many characters. She was just born a couple of hours ago and my parents sent some pictures to us of her... dork"

...

oh

Um but exciting that I have a new niece! teehee

here is a picture of my cute little niece that was born on Tuesday!

Don't you just love getting new additions to the family! I wish we could be there to hold her and give her lots of love. My other sister-in-law has been gone for the summer and I miss her and my nephew so much. I wish we lived closer to all of our family, both Doug's side and mine. We have a pretty small family compared to seemingly everyone, but it sure is fun to see it grow over time.

(and yes she has goop in her eyes in this one but I like it because she looks like she has just the littlest smile in this one!)

'til you drop

2011-06-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if you know this about me but I mix up sayings all the time. It's actually a little embarrassing. My husband finds it endearing but I think it makes me sound unintelligent so I've started getting really self-conscious whenever I try and use sayings. People say 'party til you drop', yes? I don't know. It was going to be the title to this post but now I change my mind.
In fact, yesterday during the training I was doing I said something like 'biting at the chomp' and someone said, "Isn't it 'biting at the bit'?" I could feel my face go red immediately.
is it chomp or bit?

Anyway
Speaking of training, I had the opportunity to do my first 2-day training on Wednesday and Thursday. I had a class of about 22 people. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I want this job so bad. It was hard and freaking exhausting (hence party til you drop, or just til you drop, or stop, drop and party, or something like that. Sayings are stupid). I have 2 more to do this summer and then hopefully I will get the thumbs up to begin doing trainings full time. (fingers crossed).

Right now, though, all I want to do is sleep.

This room will do.

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tree saga part 2

2011-06-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

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Well we complained to the city. They felt bad so they gave us two vouchers for two new trees. We felt pretty happy about this until we realized that the worth of these vouchers combined equals the price of one pine cone.
boo.
hiss.
And while we're on the topic of trees... did I tell you how a branch fell from my neighbor's giant tree and went through our car window?
Yup.
The day after our perfectly great trees were cut down, the giant crappy tree in my neighbors yard (a rental property - and we called the owner and he was a butt-hole and refused to pay any damages of course) dropped many giant limbs into our yard and one through our car window during a crazy wind storm.

Trees were hatin' last week ya'll.

purchasing pacification

2011-06-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Its been a crappy day. And then I went home a discovered the beautiful trees that shade the entire back of my property had all been cut down by the city so that they can put up a new power line. Even better, they left all the remains for us to clean up. I wanted to cry but I was too angry to cry. My beautiful, lovely, shaded backyard now looks TERRIBLE! Worse than terrible. LOOKS LIKE &*%@! And to make it EVEN better that that - we are supposed to have our home be in a historic home tour in 2 DAYS! We are frantically running around to nurseries now trying to find trees to replace the gorgeous, large, old, irreplaceable ones that helped draw us to the property in the first place. And it will still look like crap.
I'm so frustrated. I plan on talking to the city people tomorrow but there isn't much I can do at this point.
I hate feeling helpless.
So I bought a tote bag.

I'm not sure how this helps the situation but sometimes in moments when I feel like everything is completely out of my control (something I've been feeling a lot lately) I grasp at stupid things to try and reassure myself about the world and my control over it. Its not buying happiness, per se. I think its purchasing pacification.

this is important

2011-06-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

Watch this video. It is important. We need women in leadership positions. I have really really strong views on this and I think this is a great talk and totally worth 15 min of your time.

One of the biggest mistakes of my career was that I didn't negotiate my pay when I very first started. I was just happy to get a job finally so I just accepted the offer. I guarandamntee if I was a man I would have negotiated that thing up at least 5 or 10k. My husband certainly did and without even thinking about it. And you know what? I'm still paying for my mistake. FIVE years later I don't get paid near what I should because I started with a lower salary and have had to work up from there. It was a stupid mistake.

I'll do an entire post sometime about what I think women can do to be a more powerful presence in the career force but for now, I think this video is a great start.

on being small

2011-06-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

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It has its perks and then a great deal of the time it can really suck.

Perks -

People are not easily intimidated by me. This means people generally feel pretty comfortable around me and I can get past many people's outer shell more quickly.
Men, especially, feel like they need to protect me. They see me as vulnerable and I can make even the smallest of guys feel big and tall and strong. In essence, I can make people feel more secure and better about themselves. And more importantly, I can (and do) use this to my advantage.
People make positive assumptions about my personality. They assume I'm cute and fun instead of fearsome and witchy.
People like to touch me. This is both a perk and a not perk. For some reason people don't feel as intimidated to touch someone who is small. I don't know if its because they associate me with a child or something but I get a lot of hugs and little touches.
People offer to help me a lot. Moving that big table? Putting up those tall lights? Whatever it is, people often see small and think 'childlike and helpless'.
Shopping. Easy. Nobody is my size in the women's section generally so all the clothes I like are in the clearance section and if I'm feeling particularly comfortable in my own skin, I can save money and shop in the kids section.
Kids and animals. I'm pretty good with kids and animals. They feel comfortable around someone closer to their size. Kids assume I'm not really an adult so they let me into their kid world and animals see that I have an adult demeanor but am small so they usually warm right up to me.
Professionally, they call me many things like "the little dynamo". I can pack a hard punch and can generally get away with murder because again, people generally feel comfortable around me and don't find me intimidating. People feel I'm smart and down to earth (more easily done when you are literally closer to the earth).

but

There are non perks. Sometimes being my size really sucks.

People aren't intimidated by me. This can be a double edged sword. I feel like I have to take things two steps further to establish that I won't be walked on. I go out of my way to help people put it together that I'm damn smart. I've found that if people respect me and know me to be very intelligent, then my size is never an issue. Without this though, I'm just a small, cute little girl. The way I speak, how I dress, and everything that makes up how I present myself is pretty choreographed to establish my intellect. Once I feel someone gets that I'm smart, then I know I'll be taken seriously so I back off and don't generally worry about it again. My way of sizing myself up though, is my brain.
People feel like they need to help me. This has made me really really strong willed and independent. At times I've felt an inner rage that screams about my capabilities. And at times, it has come at a great cost. I've lost the sweet succor of willing hands from friends and even from God when I've been too proud to admit I need help... but just so we're clear, I usually don't need any help. :)
Jokes. I'm often the butt of jokes about my size. I roll with it. I joke about it myself. It could be the main reason I'm funny. Who knows?! But sometimes it gets old. There are a few things people feel like its totally fine to give people a really hard time about: being short and being skinny. For some reason, its totally fine to pick on someone for these things. Back in the day when my husband was a toothpick (he has since put on some muscle and is looking mighty fine if I say so myself) we use to come home from stuff feeling terrible about ourselves. People would pick on him about being skin and bones (something he seriously couldn't do anything about despite his best efforts) and about me being a shorty pants. Seriously? You think your joke is original or that I'm unaware of my height? pleeeease.
Weight. Gain 10 lbs on a normal sized person and its not too big of a deal. Gain 10 lbs on me and its 10% of my body weight and people are biting at the chomp to ask about babies and due dates. I hate that my body does me like that.
Self-image. I've always been blessed to have a good shape and a healthy body. I'm grateful for that in many ways, but sometimes (and I'm sure we all have this to a certain extent) it can seem like a far stretch from what society deems as ideal. As a teenager I felt that it was hard to be considered 'sexy' and not just 'cute' because of my size. So I had sexuality ooozing from every pore so that I wouldn't be looked at as just some cute little kid. I've obviously toned it down over the years and I certainly don't seek society's, and more specifically men's, approval the way I did as an insecure youth. But there is still this very small nagging feeling that when I wear flats, for example, I'm giving up on looking "hot" and am instead going for a cute and casual look because people will realize how petite I really am...and thats not generally thought of as sexy so much as 'circus freakish'.

Anyway, this was a lot about me and about my size. I just think its interesting how we can so easily associate things with size. The other day I made some aside about being small and about doing some sort of assault training and one of my very tall friends (6'1" female) said something about how she never feels scared in an alley and probably won't ever need assault training because no one would pick her out as an easy target. I thought about how interesting it must be to be a large woman who never really feels afraid walking by herself at night. And I know she has her own stigmas to fight because of her size (more easy to think she is a witch, or pressure to be a big friendly giant, or people who assume she is athletic, or whatever else) but sometimes it seems so nice.

I'd even take 5'2". I mean, come on! is that so unreasonable?

phoenix and l.a.

2011-05-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

(Map of Los Angeles, 1917)

Well its been a crazy couple of weeks. I flew down to Phoenix almost two weeks ago and spent a few days visiting my favorite little person. My husband and my dad drove down the next day and got to spend some time with her as well. Then we drove back together and toured the Grand Canyon and Zions National Park. We also took a tour of the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, UT. It was one of the happiest places I've ever been. I'm a huge fan of this non-profit. They do incredible things for animals and the three of us would've been content to stay there forever petting cats and dogs and horses...
This past weekend Doug and I flew out to Los Angeles to tour UCLA and USC and to get an idea of what our life will/might/would look like if/when we move out there. Both campuses were incredible and I think we got a good idea of life in LA. I think we both solidified in our mind how much we don't want to move out there BUT I think we will still go if we still feel like its the right thing for our family.
So now we are back for the summer and beginning some more craziness. I'm doing my first official training in 3 weeks for work. Doug is beginning a GRE prep course. We are having another yard sale in about two weeks. I've got youth conference and girls camp and our little ward girls camp and we are trying to get a few more house projects finished this summer...all while trying to relax and have an easy, chill summer. Ha! I think I suck at relaxing. I'm going to work on that.

all quiet on the western front

2011-05-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

via

I probably didn't tell you but I'm giving myself a little bit of a break from stuff. What stuff you ask? Well just about every damn thing. I just need some time to calm down from the craziness of my life and get back (or rather find) the pace I want to live it at.
so yeah
thats the reason for the radio silence this week and maybe next...

love you all and thanks for your concern.

have a fabulous weekend

tomorrow

2011-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

I graduate tomorrow.

I know, right? Where did the time go? Wasn't it just yesterday? And so on and so forth. And you'll probably ask if I can believe it or if it has hit me yet and...

the answer is no.

I know it hasn't. I'm still in the rush of craziness and people arriving for graduation and things at work beginning to take precedence again (arriving at work at 6:15 am this morning for example).

Maybe it will tomorrow when I walk across that stage.

I got my grades back today. I had low expectations because it was all I could do just to get through the semester. That, and I went to school full time and worked full time and wrote a thesis and what not so mentally I allowed myself lower grades.

But

miraculously, I got all A's. That actually makes me incredibly happy for some silly sophomoric reason. And so I will just tell you, because I would never be so brazen as to actually tell someone in person for fear of sounding like a pompous ass, but I will graduate with a 3.9-something. I'm pretty proud of that (not proud enough to actually verbalize it though).

I'm sure it will be June or so before I realize I'm done with school but I am really grateful to be finished with this chapter of my life and on to be moving onto the next one.

so on that note

2011-05-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by people who have the gumption to streak. There is something inside me that wished I had the strength to do it.
And lets be clear - streaking is different than any other type of nudity. I think streaking is entirely done to be funny. This is probably the main reason why I kinda want to do it. Where do you think the funniest places to streak might be?
BYU campus?
A quiet public library?

I might add streaking to my "To be done sometime in this life" list...

representin

2011-05-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking that this blog probably doesn't accurately represent who I am. Its all pretty pictures and lovely little thoughts and then every once in a while some crazy long random post about how I am super stressed and goingoutofmymindcrazy. And I worry about who may or may not read it (though I still think its probably just me reading this but whatever) so I censor myself.
You should know - I seldom censor myself in real life. Generally my censor button is broken.

Like the time when I told a story about how I once got stuck in a giant 10ft 300 lb condom to a bunch of innocent mormon 13 year old girls at girl's camp. And then they went home and asked what condoms are to their mothers and everyone probably got all judgemental up on this piece...

Or like when my team bought a tricyle for an under-privileged kid for a Sub-for-Santa thing and I rode it around the office screaming "It's mine now suckers!" and laughing maniacally...

Or like how I cuss a wholehellavalot and do it 99% of the time just for people's reactions (especially my husband's)...

But the truth is I'm not all posies and elegance. I'm one classy dame if I don't know you but the second I can tell we're cool - then you get to know the real me. And unfortunately with this blog, I feel like most of the time our relationship is still in the classy dame range instead of the "just today I discovered that I put my underwear on inside out and had to fix it in the bathroom and completely take off my pants and everything because I have shit for brains right now" stage. (And all of that was true by the way).

Because heres the thing - the number one reason why I censor on this blog is because I worry that if I don't, some power that be will remove me from the leadership position I hold at church and I won't get to work with the young women anymore. OR WORSE that one of my impressionable youth will read this blog and not understand that someone can believe in Christ with all their heart and be a good person and even be a "good" MORMON and still cuss like a pirate and talk about unlady-like topics and all the other things I do. That is a difficult connection to make, especially if you are the child of a strict mormon family being raised in PROVO UTAH of all places. I worry about those things because I don't think I can describe to you how much I love the opportunity I have to work with these girls and how much I truly love them. I love them enough that I censor myself on my own damn blog because of what could maybe happen.

But, I don't think I'm going to anymore. Not because I don't love them but because I'm pretty sure none of them read this thing and also because there really isn't any point to this blog if it doesn't serve as what I want it to serve as. I don't want it to just be a place for pretty pictures and I don't want it to reflect someone that I'm not. I want it to be a place where I can share of myself, and not all the pretty parts of me.

so

theres that.

And feel free to judge me. I kinda bask in it now, disapproving looks and thoughts and maybe little comments. Those things just make me smile because I am pretty damn comfortable with who I am, with my religion and what I do and don't believe (because yes, gasp, there are actually teachings in my religion that I don't really buy into and yet I still choose to practice and live the majority of its doctrines) and I'm comfortable with who I am becoming. I like that person.

And those things that I censor are as much of me, the person I enjoy, as anything else.

So maybe consider this a warning -

its about to get uncensored in here. I won't be cursing all the time (because that is not a reflection of who I really am) and I won't be posting nudey pictures or anything (though I don't promise that actually now that I think about that...but nothing pornographic, how about that? because I'm totally going to re-post my old post about streaking that I took down because of my inner appropriateness concern).

so yeah.

thats all.

a few random things

2011-04-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

Turns out when trying to make an au naturale smoothie, one must add 100% pure frozen orange juice. It makes all the difference. Trust me. I drank some fruit sludge a week ago in an attempt to start eating healthier and I can't emphasize enough: orange juice.

via

I took my final final last night and now I just have to finish up a couple of papers and then I'll be done.

via

Also I'm planning on totally re-doing my bedroom...again. This will be like the umpteenth time. Doug will probably roll his eyes if/when he reads this. I know I'm ridiculous and knowing is half the battle right? (or so I'm told). The room doesn't get much light so I thought I would just embrace it and paint it a dark color but now I sorta feel like its oppressive. SO Now I'm thinking that if I make it really light and bright that somehow the lack of strong light will balance out the brightness. When I say brightness I'm talking like whites and taupes and stuff, not neon pink. Now that I think about it, I think I hate neon colors. Like in every situation. I think I hate neon colors no matter how they are used. Hmmm. Interesting.

Ok well anyway, what are you doing for the weekend? Its cold here today so we are going to go home and make a nice warm meal and then watch old movies on our fabulous new couch (pictures to come soon). Tomorrow we plan to go to an art exhibit a friend of mine has up. How fancy of us, right?!

Fancy. That's us.

Oh and did I tell you about my souffle disaster? No?

So I attempted to do re-create this beauty--

I mean look at that! Wouldn't you try to make that? Ugh makes me salivate just looking at that.
Anyway, I attempted to use the recipe on the site that I found it on called Canelle et Vanille (found here. Now you may have figured out from the title that blog is not of American origin but "hey," I thought, "neither am I" (I was born in Britain).
So it turns out translating grams into tablespoons and ounces and such was a little beyond my ability level.
suck.
So we ended up with something that looked akin to this--

(thats mud, friends)

While eating mud normally doesn't taste that good I was determined that I could still enjoy the chocolate goo.

And I did.

For a while.

And then... well lets just say that it looked pretty much the same going in as it did coming out.

haha. Sorry. Actually not really. I think poop stories and poop jokes are hilarious.

Random fact #123498y4: Even the word "poop" makes me laugh. every.single.time. I hear it.

But I found another version of the recipe, with far less enticing photos, but that is seemingly similar nonetheless and which should suffice. I will try it again tonight and let you know how it goes.

Have a great weekend all!

digits

2011-04-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Single digits, that is.

SINGLE DIGIT COUNTDOWN TO GRADUATION BEGINS TODAY!!!

Watch this video and smile

Yeah, Baby! That video makes me proud to be a product of the 80s. :)

mario and brothers

2011-04-26T12:58:00.001-07:00

via

Ha. Mario Mario. Speaking of brothers, I have a couple of them and one of them is in the military and leaves for the Middle East again today... for the 11th time. Can you believe that? Here I am enjoying my busy little life while others (my brother included) are fighting and risking their life in a war that I forget is even going on at times.
I passed my thesis defense and I graduate in 10 days and I made a book for Doug for his birthday of our Europe pictures and it turned out amazing and I bought that white couch from Ikea because I'm crazy but I love it and other things have happened
but
sometimes it all feels a little stupid or shallow compared to things like someone risking their life in a war so that I can have these little and yet completely wonderful things in my life.

just a little humbling is all... but Mario Mario. Thats funny.

Easter

2011-04-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Do you have Easter plans? Our Easter will be crazy, as usual. I am putting on the annual Easter Egg Hunt for the teenage girls that I oversee at church. I think they love getting to let their inner kid out and run around in search of candy-filled eggs.

Its supposed to rain on Sunday so I suppose we will be scrambling to provide umbrellas for each of them (posted this umbrella picture before but I just love it!)

I'm also accompanying the church choir on the piano for the Easter service. The song is probably a little beyond my skill level on the piano but I will do my best.

In other news - I took my final class yesterday. It was a strange feeling actually. I still have a few things to finish up. I'm trying to stay focused during these last two weeks. Posting may be a little more sparse than usual.

Have a great weekend everyone! Happy Easter!

oh and if you want to read an old but interesting article based on a show about Easter done by ABC's 20/20 that I plan on incorporating into my lesson on Easter on Sunday, check it out here.

on the birth of a great man

2011-04-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

(doug at our mustache bash a couple years ago - doesn't he look superb?!)

Its my best friend's birthday today. He turns 28. You can read about him here. I thought I'd add a few more things to that list of things about him today.

- Doug wants to be a screenwriter. He discovered this a little over a year ago and has been working toward it ever since. He has read almost every book there is to read on the subject, has written two full screenplays, and will attend graduate school in screenwriting in the fall of 2012. He works on his screenplays every night and has an entire notebook filled full of ideas for stories yet to be written. He carries this notebook with him everywhere and writes down ideas at the most random of times.
- Doug is an excellent writer. He has a way of capturing thoughts and feelings and then expressing them in the most perfect way. He pens raw emotion on a page and its incredible.
- Doug is superstitious. Not the traditional superstitious, like when a black cat crosses his path he tries to pet it, but his own version of superstitious. For example, he won't sit in the seat directly behind the driver's seat in a car. He always grabs the second of something (the second box of cereal on the shelf - the one behind the first).
- Doug is unbelievably not innocent and completely innocent all at the same time. He knows the raunchiest terms and jokes and rap lyrics and yet has this sweet boyish ignorance about him. Once when we were hanging out by the river in our town in Virginia, he was picking up the biggest rocks he could find and hurling them into the river, when all of a sudden he picked up a rock and there was a water snake beneath it. He jumped back and yelled "A SNAKE!" with utter glee and immediately tried to grab it. I saw the 8-year-old in him come out and it was so sweet and unexpected.
- Doug is incredibly intelligent. He learns things at lightning speed and this, combined with his amazing memory and his thirst for knowledge makes him wicked smart. I'm constantly in awe of his intellect and all of the things he manages to keep straight in his brain.
- Doug has a strong testimony of God. Though he can curse like a pirate and probably isn't your typical mormon, Doug reads his scriptures everyday, prays every night, goes to church every week, and has a strong belief in God. He KNOWS the Bible and the Book of Mormon. He has really studied his religion and other religions as well. He even used to want to do it for a living. We probably have as many books on religion(s) as we do anything in our house.
- Doug is unexpected. If you know Doug or were to meet Doug, perhaps one of my favorite things about Doug is that he is not what you think he is...ever. Doug is a gifted athlete and loves sports and can hang in just about any conversation with sports facts and stats, but he is no dumb jock. He loves music, theatre, and prose, but you'll never catch him in a turtleneck. He is super techy and loves electronics and plays video games and even wears a headset sometimes while he plays, but he is also completely up on politics and news and has more friends in real life than online. He knows all the words to the nastiest rap songs and shamelessly listens to them when he works out, but he also loves country music, and classical piano, and just about everything but opera. Just when I think I've got him pegged, he quotes a line from Beauty and the Beast or starts speaking German fluently when we are ordering food on our Europe trip.
I must admit, I absolutely love that about him.

I could go on and on obviously (and sorta have, sorry) so I'll just say, I've very grateful to have this gentleman in my life.

Check out this video (1 min. long) of some pictures of Doug growing up. :)

Happy Birthday, love!

in 3 weeks...

2011-04-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

...I will graduate. One paper. One final. One thesis defense.

then

via

done.

hope

2011-04-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you"

- Walt Whitman

Today I'm feeling hopeful that there is actually an end in sight. I'm getting better (very slowly) and I haven't even had to resort to voodoo! I have two papers, my thesis defense, and a final and then I will be done with school. I've purchased tickets to Los Angeles for a short trip to check out schools with my husband (for him - not me - I would punch myself in the face if I thought about more schooling right now). I also bought a plane ticket to Phoenix to visit my most favorite person in the world (who recently turned 7! Can you believe that?). That visit will be my graduation present to myself. :)

Besides all that, the trees in front of my house are in full bloom and look gorgeous. I have about half of my tulips up and smiling at me each morning, and I even have quite a few daffodils still hanging on! I just love spring! Don't you just find it to be one of the most hopeful times of year? After all the winter, there is new life! Ahhhh... now if I can just focus long enough to get these last few things done.

lengths i go to not be sick anymore

2011-04-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

1. blowing my nose constantly
2. wash hands every hour
3. take cough medicine
4. take airbourne at onset
5. take zicam
6. take several doses of airbourne and zicam for many days
7. put vapor rub on chest
8. drink water every few seconds
9. drink some cleanse crap that made me poo like immediately
10. put my face in steam
11. borrow some oil incense stuff
12. put oily stuff on my body
13. burn oily incense stuff in fancy bong looking contraption
14. google how to hock loogeys
15. practice hocking loogeys
16. hock many loogeys to get crud out of chest
17. miss part of work to try and rest
18. rest under my desk at work when no one is looking
19. pray
20. beg God to make me not sick
21. bargain with God to make me not sick ( i.e. you make me not sick and I will do better about using your name in vain, etc)
22. survey friends and coworkers on crazy sick remedies
23. try crazy said remedies like
24. gargle hot salt water
25. drink water with lots of cayenne pepper
26. crush up sudafed and put it in boiling water with honey
27. lay only on your right side
28. sleep with a humidifier with vapor rub in it
29. not speak for an entire day
30. get a blessing from priesthood holder
31. go to instacare
32. pay $75 effing dollar co-pay at the door to be told its just a virus
33. pay follow up bill of $120 for doctor charges and strep test and healthcare in America is outrageous, and I have insurance

I'm not joking. I've tried everything. So here's to #34

34. blog about it

on 26 days and 26 miles

2011-04-04T16:27:00.001-07:00

Have you ever seen the end of a marathon? I don't mean when the first person crosses the finish line - I mean, have you ever seen when the very last person in the marathon completes the race? It is a sight to behold but I doubt you'll ever see it. In fact, very few people in the world ever do.
That's because, at the end of a marathon, most of the race workers and volunteers have already left. The road that was once neatly marked and blocked off has since given way to a pressing and impatient treaty of vehicles. The spectators have long since retreated to view a sooner spectacle. And the rest of the participants in the race, the only people left to walk alongside the last person, have long since pressed past the victor's mark on the road.
So the last person, as it were, they are usually entirely alone.
And it's ironic.
We celebrate the first to finish. We give them a medal and cash and a prized place in the day's newspaper publication. We congratulate them on all the hard work that enabled them to jaunt across the finish line and complete a marathon in about 2 or 3 hours.
But the last person? They've held in the race for about 12 hours. They walked the entire thing and watched every.single.person. pass them by. They watched as water stations and food stations and bathroom opportunities vanished alongside their road. They watched as confused faces leered from car windows, wondering how anyone could still be running the race. They've watched their feet, bloody and swollen, shake from the weight of a body that won't stop. Their slave-master mind won't let them relent to the embarrassment of last place, or the pain of a broken body.
I've seen the last person in a marathon. They were crying and yelling and literally crawling across the finish line. And I wanted to help them up and give them a big hug and tell them how amazing they were. But somehow I knew,
There was nothing that I could say or do that could ever compare to what they had done for themselves. All on their own.

in case you were wondering

2011-04-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've figured out what I want for my graduation gift.

This

and this

And of course this guy

That's all.

Get your dance moves on

2011-03-28T13:19:00.001-07:00

Time to celebrate friends. We've finished our thesis...again (and maybe not for the last time) but who the hell cares. We are done RIGHT NOW with it!!! Give it a minute or so (the video) ... and then dance like you mean it (I know I am) edit - when I said give it 1 minute I meant give it 3 min. Or skip to 3 min, when I like to get down with my bad self also balloons = celebration, in case you were wondering the connection there...

goats and streaking

2011-03-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty grumpy this week. I think too many of my posts are complainful, so rather than tell you the woes of my week, let me just share some videos that my husband has sent me when I needed to smile.

Check out these cuties (totally worth 00:47)

And then this video. hahaha. I'm laughing before I even embed it. Ha.

OK - first let me explain: you might not find this as funny as I do. I have a fascination with streaking (not like in a sick way, but like in a 'wow, awesome' kind of way). In fact I once had a post about it and a hilarious picture but decided to take it down in case some of the parents of the teenagers I oversee heard about it or something and realized how crazy it is that I'm in charge of impressionable youth (also I'd be really sad if someone got major offended and I wasn't able to work with them anymore). I don't think that would happen but you never know. And apparently more people read this than just myself and my friend Sheesh. Hi Sheesh!

Anyway, the video doesn't show no privatey parts so don't get too uptight (AND make sure you have your speakers on)

BAAAAHahahahaha. Gets me every.dang.time.

I don't know. I'm weird.

Ok, Have a great weekend. I'll be working on my thesis....again.

(42 days)

a statesman or an ass

2011-03-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

I got my thesis back today. Its pretty ugly. My thesis committee chair didn't bother to make any positive comments on my paper. I'm not sure if he wanted to tear it apart in order to really help me and make my argument stronger, or if he is just an ass. Right now I want to believe the latter but he's probably a decent guy. Needless to say, this week of "spring break" is going to be less "springy" and not at all "breaky"

...except for maybe my spirits. (sigh)

46 days

some green for your Patty Day

2011-03-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

via

Just a pretty picture of green in a place I thought probably only had white -

Tunkinsky National Park, Siberia

how little I know about so many places in the world...

complicated

2011-03-15T10:21:00.001-07:00

X relationships. They are... complicated. Ideally we only get really intimate with the person we end up marrying and being with forever. But sometimes that just doesn't happen.
I had a very intense and serious relationship before I got married. He and I still share a very strong connection. Sometimes it bothers me to think that he knows me so well that whenever we talk or see each other that he knows exactly what I'm thinking or why I'm behaving a certain way, etc.
I think about this sometimes with people who get divorced. You were with this person for however many years and they know you. I mean they know you - the naked you. I don't mean physically, though there is that, but I mean they know you behind any facade. I hate feeling vulnerable like that.
But I wonder about friendships with someone like that. On the surface it seems like you could be friends with someone that was obviously your best friend and much more at one point, but I don't know. Is it possible? It feels so...loaded. And I don't mean cordial acquaintances. I think that is certainly possible. I mean actual friends. Friends that know how the other person is doing and generally whats up in their lives. Friends who send each other funny things sometimes or who see each other at least every so often. Is that possible? Its not, right? I don't know. Ugh.
And maybe you're asking yourself, why be friends?
And that's complicated without getting into details that aren't entirely mine to share on this blog, but lets say you think you want to be friends for two reasons:
1. you have something that will make it so that your lives will forever be entwined
2. you were once really good friends and logically you should be able to be friends again

And also please understand, I have a fabulous marriage. I am completely happy in my marriage. I also have a husband who is completely aware of everything and we love and trust each other very much. He has girl friends and likewise I have guy friends. We even hang out with one of my old boyfriends on a semi regular basis and they get along great. Its just that with that guy, we were never very serious. And I am friends with a girl friend of his who knows him very intimately and it doesn't bother me at all. So it makes me think that if its just really casual and the intentions are all good and pure, then maybe it can work? But maybe that's different? I don't know.

This is probably really scattered (like it is in my head) but I just want to know what you think. Can you be friends with an x?

you people

2011-03-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

via

I bought myself some tulips to adorn my dining room table. They are lovely.

but that's beside the point. The real point of this post is that you guys are evil. Yes. evil.

See, I got a number of responses from you evil readers informing me that you actually CAN be pregnant and have a period at the same time. What the? Whether you guys were just pulling my leg or trying to freak me out...you succeeded. Jerks! Ha. I started re-thinking the whole throwing up business and pretty soon I got myself completely worked up.

So

I took a test and....

and I'm not pregnant, (see I can be evil too! hehe). I totally already knew this (that I wasn't pregnant, not that I'm evil - I don't actually think I am, just that you are...) but I had to get reassurance. So thanks for freaking me out and helping me waste $10 on a test. Jerks! ;)

But while we are on the topic of babies, check out this photo -

hahaha. Cat for the WIN!

Anyway, I'm feeling better and have kept down food and absorbed lots and lots of sudafed to help me not be so full of snot. So it's all good.

and because, of course, I'm random, and I love commas I guess, check out this absolutely gorgeous and calming and amazing song.

Love you all, despite your being evil. Have a good weekend!

things I don't like and things i do

2011-03-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Lets talk about poop. Not actual poop cause thats kinda gross, but life poop. I'm having a lot of it right now. I promise this isn't a giant complain post but its going to start out a little like one. 17 effing days ago I got some virus. It was killing my throat and infusing my body with snot so the day after I got it I thought, I've got a lot on my plate right now so I'm going to take the day off and kick this thing. I took a sick day and slept as much as possible and went to the doctor. Yeah. The doctor. I never do that but I was bound and determined to kick it right off the bat. That was 17 days ago.
Shortly after that I started my period. Shortly after that I got some stomach bug on top of it all and started throwing up every last bit of my insides, including my stomach lining, small intestine, liver, etc. I was adamant about not missing work so eventually my husband had to come to my office and crawl under the desk to retrieve me from the little ball of a person I'd become next to my throw-up filled trashcan. Nasty and amazing all at the same time. I'm seriously married to a saint of a man.
On top of that I had my thesis due.
I turned in my thesis on Monday and figured with the stress relief I'd feel better. Then yesterday I threw up my large intestine and perhaps my femur and anything else that was left in my body. And missed another day of work.
I mean, what the hell? Come on body. Get with the damn program.
I am seriously frustrated. I've tried sleep. I've tried medication. I've tried blessings and prayers and mushy rice and Sprite and saltines and doctors and time-off and every stupid thing I can think of.
So
Yeah
Theres that.

Lets talk about happier things. How about stuff I'm diggin right now.

I've got some daffodils that I think will bloom sometime in the next week or two. I'm diggin that.

via

I'm diggin this picture of an office. It reminds me of some place my dad would live (though much more chic and with far fewer newspapers...) but he loves to live with stuff all around him.

via

I'm diggin this dress from...Talbots? Yeah. Weird. They've got some hot awesome stuff right now in their Spring Look Book. I'm wearing baggy t-shirts and sweatpants these days but someday I will wear something like this again.

I'm diggin this song from unknown artist Lelia Broussard.

I'm diggin this picture of an amazingly beautiful garden enclosure place thing.......ha. I don't know, what would you call it?

via

and I'm diggin being done with my thesis!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!

and in case you were wondering, 58 days.

and sorry about being complainy pants at the beginning. I just really don't like being sick.

raining crap but without actual rain

2011-03-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

Between having a never-ending sickness and working on my never-ending thesis, I've lost a great deal of what some people call 'my sanity'. People are only meant to endure trials for so long. I'm confused at how anyone ever writes a book. 50 pages is killing me. Is it possible that I'm just too concise?

...

naaaaaah.

And the thing is - I really like the topic I'm writing on. In fact, I could talk about it all day long (i'll do a brief post about the actual topic when its all said and done) But writing about it? ugh. Why? Why should I write it all out? I need a voice transcription typer thingy. Yes. That's brilliant. Or I could hire a court reporter. hmmmm.... but I'm so close. I have like 10 pages left. I just need to freaking get it done.

OK.

This has been a good chat.

Thanks.

I just needed to express frustration with all the crap thats raining down on me right now.

Also, speaking of rain - I think its spring time. Which then makes me think of this umbrella that I want (see below). But then it makes me remember that it never rains here (like actual rain, just poop rain. really poopy life crap type rain). And then I remember how umbrellas that can't fold up to be about the size of my pocket don't usually work out well for me either. But oh well. Its a lovely umbrella and I'm looking forward to spring. A lot. Spring = no more poopy thesis + lovely unrealistic umbrellas. Woohoo!
p.s. I can't remember where I got either of these pictures from but I remember that the first one was an art project with the umbrellas hung by fishing lines. Isn't that fabulous?

cat at a mat...inee and other random funs

2011-02-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

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HELLO OUT THERE!!!
I hope you all are well! I am doing marginally better (thanks for asking) but alas, I'm still sick. Whats that you say? How about a song called Sleeping Sickness while we're on the topic of being sick? Your wish is my command (at least this wish...)

You want something else? OK you asked...

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BLAM!!! Freaking cute puppy. Take that. Got you when you least expected it.
(maybe now is a good time to mention that I'm on some sort of feel good medicine and I feel a little drunk... where'd that other curvy mark go so i can finish this aside...i can't find it, how about this} that'll do donkey

Oh yeah, how about this song?

Free music - The Roger Waters Trolley

cool, yes? actually I'm not sure if I embedded that correctly but hopefully if you click on it you will hear a cool slap acoustic guitar songy deal to your ears.

but wait

via 1 via 2

SMACK SMACK
two cute kitty cats. AHAHAHAHA You didn't know. You had no idea I was going to hit you with that, did you?

ok. I should stop. My head is all fuzzy. Yes? Anyone? Meg Ryan. You've Got Mail. That's the answer.

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hahahaha. Hit again. That was for those of you who think humans can be cute.

not this human. not today.

ok have a good weekend friends.

taking cues from you've got mail

2011-02-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sick (ala this scene below)

I got a virus of some sort (according to the doctor that I went to see yesterday). My throat is killing me and the rest of my body is down for the count. The doctor told me the good news is that I should only have this for 10 - 15 days. THATS GOOD NEWS? That happens to coincide perfectly with the number of days I have left to work on my thesis. Awesome.
So I'm trying to trick myself into feeling something other than miserable.
I went so far as to purchase a glass jar and fill it with hershey kisses like Meg Ryan does in this scene (cue to 1:48) from You've Got Mail.
Now I know those of you who are movie buffs might gafah at my love of this movie, but let me tell you a few reasons why I love it.
1. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks have chemistry without being sexy sexy hotty pants movie stars. They are a handsome enough couple but they are no Daniel Craig and (fill in the blank with any sex appeal mainstream actress). It feels more believable.
2. I love the setting of the movie and the fact that it goes through 4 seasons.
3. I love the irony, I mean everyone does, right? That's what makes the movie.
4. I love that Meg Ryan is not your typical damsel in distress. She owns her own business. She is brilliant. She is kind. She is modest.
5. I love children's books and bookstores in general. I know every book that Meg Ryan's character references in this movie which either shows my love of books or my creepy knowledge of this movie. I'm fine with what either of those options says about me.
5. I have lots more reasons why I love this movie, but if nothing else - it reminds me of my best friend Leah. We both love this movie and we watch it every fall and we quote it all the time and who doesn't love a great movie that reminds you of a great person? You can check out Leah's blog here.
I plan on doing an entire post about Leah sometime when I'm not emotional and I can tell you all why I love her without crying. For now though, you should know we both love You've Got Mail and that should tell you something about her...I don't know what...but something.

Oh and also, if you check out her blog today - she is also sick. SEE we are best friends. We even get sick at the same time when we are 2000 miles apart.

weekend report

2011-02-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

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I'm happy to report I got a chunk of my paper written this weekend. Not on a beach or on a typewriter, but while wearing a hat and while petting a cat where I quietly sat on a m... ok, ok. I'll stop....... Stat. hahaha. Ok really I'll stop.
Actually, I wrote in a dungeon of sorts with no music and no snacks so as to eliminate all distractions possible (My dining room is to be interpreted as a dungeon when there are no snacks or music and I'm forced to write my magnum opus). But,

I also made this beef brisket recipe from Pioneer Woman for Sunday dinner. I do believe it was a big success. I have LOVED her recipes thus far. So I suppose the weekend wasn't completely awful. ;)

I must admit, though, that I'm starting to feel the itchings of spring fever coming on. It starts by wanting to wear peep-toe shoes and short sleeve shirts, even though there is still snow on the ground. It then works its way into wanting a whole slew of new additions to my wardrobe. Then it turns into wanting to spice up my home - so I'll buy daffodils and tulips to hold me over with a smile. But then pretty soon I want a different couch and a different something else and then before you know it I want a dang baby!

Damn you, spring. Why you got to do me like this?

Ahem...but how was your weekend?

on being named Jo

2011-02-18T13:44:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I like to pretend like I was named after the character Jo in Little Women. She's brilliant and talented and fiery and witty.
Or perhaps Joanna from the Bible, who was one of the women to come to Jesus' tomb on the morning of His resurrection. I imagine her to be poised and elegant and loyal and sweet.
In reality though, my mother just liked the name. She had a friend in highschool named Joanna who I've never met or heard anything about. I think she informed me of her as more of an aside than a source of name genesis.
I've never actually gone by Joanna. I've been Jo for as long as I can remember. I sometimes forget that my full name is Joanna. I think the only people who call me that are my mother and my brothers, though my brothers didn't call me that when we were kids. No, when we were kids they called me "G.I Jo" or "Sumo Jo" or any name they could think of that started with the letter "R" because I couldn't say my "aws" for yeaws and yeaws. :)

But names are interesting. When I was a little girl and would play make-believe, I always named myself Sally, after the most beautiful woman I ever met as a little girl. She was a botanist at the state botanical gardens. I went to the gardens all the time with my father and now years later I realize it was probably no coincidence that my divorced father always happened to take me to the gardens when Sally was working. Its funny to look back on situations as an adult and realize what was really going on.

Anyway, I've determined that when I have children all of their names will have real meaning and be a real source of strength to them and their identity. They'll be named after beloved relatives and friends and admirable historical figures. Doesn't that sound like a good plan?

Now I just have to figure out how to work Sojourner Truth into a middle name without my husband raising his eyebrows...

Have a good weekend all! I'll be working on my thesis and wishing I was doing all the fun things you guys are going to be doing... (sigh longingly) :)

...77 days...

heaven

2011-02-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

On Sunday night we are having a little get together that our church calls a fireside (even though there is never any fire but whatever) where the youth and the youth leaders will learn/discuss a topic. We have these every other month or so. This month is on the afterlife.
I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I've realized that I don't really know if I believe in heaven and an afterlife. I'd like to, but I just don't know. So many people have such a surety of our existence after this life. I am not one of them. I find that I think of heaven more as a place that can give my mind rest, a place where I don't have to worry about the person who has passed away. And I seldom think about it until someone dies. And then I wrestle with the idea all over again.
And everyone has a different idea of what its like and who gets to go and what we do there when we're there. The baptists believe that we will see our family there but we won't know them as our family because we will all be family and it will be a type of paradise and we will busy ourselves by worshiping God, and that will make us happy. Mormons believe that you will still be married in the afterlife and have your family and that there are different levels of heaven and you go to the one that corresponds with your level of relationship with God and that we will busy ourselves by worshiping God through honoring Him through emulation. And don't even get me started on Hindu and Buddhist or especially Muslim beliefs of heaven. Suffice it to say, they all have very different interpretations.
I think it all sounds strange. People think that one interpretation sounds weird or the other, but the truth is - any type of understanding of heaven different than the one you grew up with and are familiar with probably sounds weird.
Anyway, we asked the youth to write down questions they have about the afterlife. You'd be amazed at the type of questions they have for being only 12 - 18 years old. These are deep and profound questions and ones that I, the supposed learned adult, still have. And while I hope that they find answers for themselves, there is a large part of me that wants to say to the authority we have coming to speak to us on the topic, "How do you know?" And maybe he will have an answer about faith or a sure faith that he understands to be knowledge, and maybe that works for him...
But I still don't know. And I fear that experience that would bring me to a faith in heaven. So for now, I'll just continue with my surface level faith of heaven and hope to learn from those who believe.
Do you believe in heaven? and if so, why?

distracted

2011-02-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it. I'm in a bit of a funk. I'm having a hard time staying motivated right now. I keep thinking that if I take a short break, then I'll come back and hit stuff hard and get at it. But then breaks just make me want longer breaks and pretty soon all I want to do is think about my crocus that is about to bloom and our second Europe trip that we are hoping to squeeze into May/June. But like the good influence I am, rather than get us back on task - how about I share with you things that can distract you as well?! Hey, what are friends for?

First, have you been following Oh Happy Day or DesignMom? They are sisters (actually related to a guy I went to school with in Virginia and wow are they cooler than he is...uh that wasn't very nice...sorry...but its true) ahem anyway, they both moved to France for a year. They blog about their adventures and it makes me miss our time in Europe so much. These pictures are so iconic of the little produce shops we walked by on our way to the little flat we stayed at in Paris.

And if you want to see the cutest photo series, check out these by Lauren Fleishman. They are a series of photos of couples who have been married over 50 years and have sweet little quotes next to them. Who doesn't love to see an adorable old couple?

Also, I figured out how to play this song in its entirety.

and also, I really love this tea pot (below). Its lovely, yes? I think its much cuter than the generic one I currently have. It reminds me of something you'd find in an old pop-up camper. I dig it.

And finally, I went to a Ted event on Friday to secure a speaking slot of one of the founders/authors (which I did - look at me doing my job!) and the event was, of course, amazing. The videos from the event are not up yet but I will post my favorite one when its up. In the meantime, here is a video of one of my favorite Ted.com talks by Sir Ken Robinson. IT. IS. FABULOUS. Its about 17-18 minutes long (that's the limit for a ted talk) and its worth every minute.

So there you have it. Some of the many things that are distracting me right now. Hope you enjoy them all.

80 days till graduation. Not sure if the countdown is helping or hurting at this point...

change anything video

2011-02-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Ok this is a really quick post but I wanted to show off a new video our production team just cranked out. It is a promo for our new book coming out called Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success. Friends - ITS SO GOOD! I wish they paid me every time I said it because I'd be rich (well I guess I work for them so in a weird and indirect way I get paid but I'd tell you if I thought it was poo. In fact - I'll say this, our first book wasn't that great. It was called Balancing Act and it flunked for book sales and training. So don't read it. Ha. But read Change Anything. You'll love it). Anyway, the point is I LOVE this stuff. Its based on the same social theory as Influencer but it's applied to personal change.

Check it out

You are probably all geniuses (especially if you read my blog) but have you ever thought about some of this stuff? OF COURSE you eat more when you have a bigger plate. OF COURSE you are more likely to spend when you are with friends. And it goes on and on. I work for some incredibly smart people and the content in this book is gold. Change Anything helps you start to recognize the power of all of these types of influences adding up against you and then teaches you how to flip these influences on their head and get them to start working FOR you.
I LOVE IT!

okay, starting to sound like an infomercial... stepping down from my soapbox. Sorry. But thanks for indulging me!

the grind and the grinder

2011-02-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well last week was pretty tough but highly enjoyable. My presentation/observation went well. I had a meeting yesterday and it looks like I did good enough that I'm going to move on to stage 2. This means that I'll do my first training in June, another in July, another in August, and then I'll work with clients from September through November and by the end of that month I should get a decision whether I get to do this full time starting in January of next year. In the meantime, I have 87 days till graduation, and this full time project manager gig that I need to keep, a non-profit to get off the ground, and a program with around 20 people at church to lead twice a week. Soooo life should be sufficiently challenging for a while. WOOT! .... ugh. I'm in the grind but I"m the grinder. Yuck.
But it really is all good. I actually really enjoy each of those things separately - combined they cause me some stress but individually they cause me happiness. And I was able to negotiate my first training to be in June so that I have some time to focus on school, so that's good. My thesis is due March 8th and after that, everything should get much easier (knock on wood).
Anyway - that is all pretty boring. Let's get to some exciting things -

liiiiiike PAPER!

haha. I'm serious actually. I love wrapping paper. Its a weird fetish I have. When I find cool wrapping paper I buy it immediately. I found some really cool ones online but I can't bring myself to purchase them. I also can't come up with a good story to tell my husband about why I spent $30 on wrapping paper...

doug: "Did you order $30 worth of wrapping paper online?"

me: "ummm...maybe"

doug: "What do you need $30 worth of wrapping paper for?"

me: "ummm...maybe?"

If I don't have a good answer I usually just try my first response again and see if it will work. It hasn't worked yet but you never know.

but check these out (and the one at the top of the post)

They are from a store called The PaperSource. They have tons of cool paper.

And speaking of cool, check this out

Luke Aleckson, Just Do It, Imprints in Snow, 810ft x 850ft (15.7 acres), 2005.

and he did the entire thing with bread baskets tied to his feet...

Now that is some dedication to art, my friends. After about 1 acre I'd be like - " um this is pretty but I'm in the middle of a snowy field with bread baskets tied to my feet... and I'm starting to crave wheat rolls, so I'm done."

And because I'm random, check this out. Yikes!

little house tour

2011-01-30T00:36:00.001-08:00

So I thought I'd take some pictures of my home on Saturday (oh the things I will do to avoid having to work on my thesis). If I was smart I'd break this up into a few days of posting but I won't be able to post this week since I'll be spending all of my time working on nailing this job audition thing. These pictures aren't staged or anything fancy and they are just with a regular non-fancy camera but since I always love to see people's homes and I've had a few requests, hopefully you enjoy them.

First up, here is my living room (and the picture above obviously):

One of my favorite things about this room is this big comfy chair which can fit both me and Doug (picture below). We got it for a steal because it didn't have the back cushion so we just improvised with a big pillow.

I also love this little vintage suitcase I got at a second hand store. Its just a little detail in the room and very few people ever notice it. I love to have places to store unsightly things and this little suitcase fits the bill with old man style, so of course I love it.

But probably the first thing anyone ever notices is the giant picture of our cat on the wall. And then they always comment on the mustache we put on her picture during our mustache bash and never took down. Its nice to let people know right off the bat they we are strange folks.

My least favorite thing about this room is that I don't have a coat closet. So in the winter time it looks like this:

Here is the view into the dining room.

This is my favorite part of the dining room. Doug uncovered the brick chimney in the room and I love its quirky prominence in the room.

I would've taken more picture of the dining room but my husband was working at the table, so here is a view for afar:

I like our kitchen. I would definitely upgrade some things if we were going to live here for a long time but since we aren't, I love what we've been able to do to it on the cheap. There are two things in this kitchen that I am grateful for almost everyday. The first is having a curved faucet. This was a inexpensive faucet (about $30) but having a tall curved faucet that pans can fit beneath makes a big difference for me (and the sink is deep which I also love).

The second was some under cabinet lighting my dad put in when he was here last. They are just plug in cheap things but they make a world of difference. If I knew what a difference they make I would've had them put in a long time ago.

I also love the little things that make my kitchen special to me, like this little sugar bowl. It was my grandmothers and so was the blue recipe box in the background. I love having things I use each day that remind me of my heritage.

Oh and the radio in the window sill of course. My dad listens to football games on the AM while he does dishes when he's here (he never uses the dishwasher - I'm not sure if he knows how, to be honest). I don't use the transistor because, well, I'm not actually eighty years old, but I like having it there for now. I'll probably move it soon and put some plants in the sill. I also want to get a bigger kitchen rug...

This is the guest bedroom. Its a bit of a work in progress but its comfortable.

This is a drawing that commissioned one of the girls that I oversee in the youth program at church to make for me. I was her first paying customer. :) Isn't it incredible? She is only 14! I will cherish this piece forever.

And here is the other side of the bed and the galley wall of uterus death (inside joke for long time blog followers)

I don't have all the pictures in yet but you can see a few here (and if you're curious is was the largest picture frame on the far left with the picture of a church in Florence that tried to kill me). I love how they turned out. They are all pictures we took on our Europe trip last year.

One of my favorite things in this room (besides the beautiful drawing and personal Europe photos) is this chest that I use as a side table. It was my great (or maybe great great) Grandfather Hallock's war chest. My father gave it to me and its an incredible piece.

Here is our bedroom. I didn't do big pictures of the room because its still in progress but here is Doug's side of the bed. I like how his side is so rustic and manly. He found this stump in our favorite apple orchard. He brought it home and sanded down the top. I wish it was taller but it works.

This is the top of our dresser. I want to get a nice runner for the top but I like having our change in a fancy glass sugar dish. It makes me feel rich putting, even when I'm just putting pennies in it.

I also LOVE the original doors in our house. Doug hates them because the handles don't work but I love the look so much that it never bothers me. They are about 110 years old.

Here is my side of the bed. I love this lamp and I love having flowers on my nightstand. This is in black and white because it looked better and because the nightstand is currently a hideous blue that I need to re-paint but haven't gotten around to it.

Here is our bathroom. I've posted it before but I've made a few changes so I thought I'd post it again. I changed out the yellow numbers for some framed antique book pages. These are bird and flower prints and the center one is a plate of various bird eggs found in America.

We redid this bathroom on the cheap. The only thing we really splurged on were these faucets which were about $75 or so a piece. Shah! But I really like having the extra space beneath that a tall curved faucet provides.

My favorite thing about the bathroom though is the honeycomb tile. We got such a great deal on this tile and I just love it.

Here is the main bathroom. I like this bathroom a lot too. I sort of wish I would've gone with a different tile but oh well. This bathroom was redone on the cheap too so it was a budget decision.

My two favorite things in this bathroom are the original plumbers placard that you can see attached to the window sill in the above picture (its the dark little rainbow shaped thing) and the tray on the little console. It has a lovely deer on it. Its nice.

Here is the former office turned sorta second guest room to perhaps someday turn into a nursery when we have kids.

So thats the tour. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I didn't come off as bragging either. I get requests to post the finished product of things, like the paint color of our room or the galley wall and such, so I thought I'd just show where everything is at for now. And also I am totally procrastinating my paper. So.... back to work.

Have a great day!

some serious some funny

2011-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

(This picture had nothing to do with anything. I just like it. It makes me wish I could keep plants alive. It also makes me wish it wasn't totally tacky to keep fake plants in the kitchen window. Cuz I would do it. I'd even put real dirt in the pot to make it look real. I'm tricky like that....if I had fake plants I would be anyway...)

A brief follow up:
Miscarriage is hard and weird. It also bothers me that its so taboo. Its been a difficult thing but I had so much support that I was all but forced to be okay through it all. I've also experience real and deep and serious heartache when I placed my daughter for adoption years ago. I hope I will never go through as much pain as I did during that experience. Losing a fetus is difficult but handing your beautiful new born baby to someone else is a pain that nearly kills. And to this day it simultaneously causes me the most joy and the most pain that I experience in my life. So maybe God knew I could get through this experience and that I would learn something from it. If nothing else, every loss I ever feel makes me appreciate that much more God's sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ. We always focus on Christ's sacrifice, but God's sacrifice (John 3:16) to me, at times, feels even greater.

Anyway, that is all a little heavy and its Friday for goodness sakes! So lets switch gears.

Shakin' it off.

OK. Good?

Here are some funny Friday things for you (lots of which are cat things because I'm slowly becoming the creepy old cat lady) :

get it? cat in a cat box? hahahahaha

I don't care what you say, I don' think its photoshopped. I think its a genius cat.

a video that always makes me laugh

a lie that my husband sent me a little while ago

another funny but wrong thing my husband sent me a while ago (little hard to see but try - its worth it)

and

my personal favorite

Have a great weekend! I love you all very much and I appreciate your helpful comments!

whirly winds and roller coasters

2011-01-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

(warning this is going to be a long post- I'm just feeling it today)

Well its been a whirl wind since I posted last. I'm a little overwhelmed at how well things are going right now. Sometimes I'm confused at blessings. Does that ever happen to you? Where you ask yourself, Gosh - what in the world did I do to get this? And you realize its just that we have a gracious God. That's how I'm feeling.

So it happened like this:
In December we visited family in Texas. We got back late on a Tuesday night. On Wednesday morning I discovered I was pregnant. Yeah. Pregnant with a "P". All day I was in a state of shock and I hardly knew what to do with myself. Doug got home and I wrapped up the test and gave it to him as a belated Christmas present. We cried and sat on the floor in the kitchen and talked for hours about how scared we were. The next morning I was bleeding very badly. I wasn't sure how much blood was normal for implantation bleeding so I went in to the midwife clinic. They confirmed I was pregnant and then had me go over to the hospital to get an ultrasound. They couldn't find anything so they told me I had probably miscarried. I was very sad and though I hadn't gotten to the point where I was truly excited about the pregnancy, or had pictured the baby or clothes or names or any of that, I still felt sad. Then on our way home they called and said I had to come back immediately.

I had an ectopic pregnancy outside of the uterus. They did a bunch of tests and discovered that my HCG levels were low enough that my body was getting rid of the fetus on its own. So I went back every other day to get tests done to confirm that my hcg levels were going down and the fetus was being expelled by my body. Sunday of that week was the biggest drop in HCG and I could feel it hormonally. I couldn't stop crying. I only lasted an hour at church. I didn't want the girls that I oversee to see me like that so I left.

Doug was such a champion throughout it all. I was incredibly sad and everything seemed to remind me that I was a failure at making a baby. We went to WalMart one night and the cashier, with bra straps hanging down past each shoulder, told me all about having babies and how when I have a baby this and that and pregnancy this and my first baby and my sixth baby and I just started to cry. Doug just gave me a giant hug and held me as I cried in the car. I do not struggle with fertility and this was just sort of a fluke thing, but I felt for weeks one small iota of what it might feel like to struggle with that. Let me tell you- it sucked. I have an empathy I never had before for women with fertility challenges. It changed my perspective about how I will talk about motherhood and pregnancy in the future.

The new year began and I went back to work. Shortly after that the semester started back up. And while I struggled to decide on whether to pursue having a family to fill the void I was feeling from the miscarriage, my career sorta took off. I feel like I received blessing after blessing. I had a meeting with the one of the founders of my company, the CEO and the Executive VP where I presented my career plan for the next one, five, and ten years. And you know what? Rather than laugh at it, they actually embraced it wholeheartedly.

Friends, we are talking huge things! My pie-in-the-sky 10 year plan involves me becoming the executive director of Influencer Institute, the non-profit that the founders of my company have asked me to help get off the ground (and which I'm currently spending most of my waking hours working on). Let me explain further - Influencer Institute is a non-profit dedicated to solving a variety of difficult social issues by applying smart and strategic six source social influence theories to complex problems. Think the Gates Foundation but with a scientific model to attack social conundrums. This means essentially I receive about five million dollars (to start) to go strategically solve whatever problems me and the founders choose. Are you kidding me? Imagine someone telling you, I'm going to give you a starting budget of 5 million dollars and some of the smartest people on the planet to go solve some key social dilemmas. I feel a little like I get to be the President of the US but without all the political hula hoops.

But it still leaves me in a rough spot with lots of un-answered questions. Like:
When do we start a family?
Is it irresponsible to get pregnant shortly after starting a new position?
How are we going to make my career aspirations work with a family?
How are we going to make my career aspirations and my husband's career aspirations both work?
How am I going to make this all work when we move out of the state?
What if I have another ectopic pregnancy?
Should I feel guilty that I wasn't totally ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant?
Can I have an incredible career getting to do exactly what I want and still have an incredible marriage and fabulous children?

Hopefully I'm not putting the cart before the horse. A large part of my big 10 year plan is the first step, which involves me getting a job that I haven't been offered yet and which I'm mostly unqualified for (but am totally perfect for). The up and ups are all for me getting that position but they actually don't make the decision (though I think they will try to influence it a bit in my favor). There is a woman who is not my biggest fan who makes the final decision. So lets all pray that she gives me a stamp of approval. I have a meeting on Friday but ultimately my 'audition' if you will, will be next Friday on the 4th. I will likely find out a few weeks after that.

So

Thats my life right now. Any words of wisdom for me besides hold on to my dang hat?

sharing is caring

2011-01-19T14:45:00.000-08:00

Just a few quick things to share today that I'm diggin' ...liiike this random picture of an old man from the sartorialist that I stole years ago because I have a strange affinity with old men...not in a weird creepy way. I'd like to think its in a sweet, admiring, and curious way perhaps - hence why I always try to dress like them. (Case in point - I own suspenders, flannel shirts, and polyester pants.)

funny side note -
One time my company was recording a video to send to one of our presenters to tell them how much we love them because they have a hard job being on the road all the time. They asked me to say a few words about my favorite presenter who was an old man named Stacy. I told them a story about how great he was and then mentioned how I have a crush on him. I meant that I had an old man crush on him but I couldn't really say that because maybe its rude to call him old. I felt myself digging my own hole and as I was on camera I tried my best to roll with it. Sooo when his team saw the tape they thought it was so funny that they kept it in and Stacy apparently got pretty embarrassed (as any cute old man would) and was super awkward around me for years. I think he thought I was trying to get all up in that. ew. gross. Anyway, for nearly 4 years my team and the training team have made fun of me about my old man fetish. Moral of the story - its okay to have secret crushes on old men but never non-secret crushes on old men. Also you have to be quite explicit about what 'crush' means. Just an fyi.

First, check out this cool new series by the BBC called Human Planet. Cooool!

Second, listen to these two songs that I love by Mumford and Sons (who I've got on repeat most days of my life right now)

this one -

and this one -

ok and I love this one too but it drops the f*** bomb so be prepared if you've got virgin ears. i think there is a version they did for a late night show that is a made for network tv with no cursin'...

Lastly, my work puts out a weekly newsletter where people write in and one of the authors addresses their question using principles we teach through our content. This week's was about career advancement and I think its good and worthy of sharing. You can check it out here if you're interested.

Hope you all are having a fabulous Wednesday. I have a presidency meeting tonight with three women that I love to death. I hate meetings generally but I actually look forward to this one. They are so great to work alongside. Woohoo for awesome people!

pretty friday

2011-01-14T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well its been a long week. I feel a bit tired. I'm trying to wind down from the stress of the week so I can enjoy this weekend from the moment it starts. I'm using this song to help me -

I think it is a beautiful song and a beautiful video.

And if you want to read a cool article about a photographer and a baby whale, check this out.

Lastly, I've been having a hard time explaining why I love where I work and who I work for. Just about every week one of the authors/founders of the company I work for has an article published. Much of the time I don't even check them out, but I decided to look at one of them from this week. Its not an award winning article or anything but I think its good nonetheless. And when I get to show people that these people, these great 'think tank' men, are the people I get to learn from and work for - well I just feel so happy about it. If you want to read a short article about influence by Joseph Grenny, you can check it out here.
I think I will post things from work more often. Not because I'm trying to sell anyone on anything, but because I use this blog as a sort of reflection of myself and my work is so much a part of who I am now.

Have a good weekend everyone.

winter wonderland

2011-01-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

On Saturday Doug and I went snow shoeing. Look at me crossing off 2 of my 30 before thirty goals within 2 days of each other. Woot! (I had a goal for us to do some sort of snow activity while we live in Utah). Its amazing we've lived here for this long and we've mostly tried to ignore the snow. We had a fabulous time! It was so beautiful. Our dear friend Brandon took us. We only hiked a few miles but it felt like we hiked twenty. I wasn't prepared for how physically exhausting it was going to be. Here are some pictures of our adventure -

getting started (check out my cool look-sorta-like-jeans-snowpants!)

what a studly snowshoe guy (Doug here below, but Brandon above is studly too)

This is where the road ends and the snowshoeing begins. This road actually goes through those trees up to Cascade Springs and Timpanogos Cave (both places we went to this past summer) but they only plow it to this point.

All of that snow is from plowing the road but the snow depth on the trail is level with what you can see here.
and off we go

me and doug snowshoeing under a tree in the ravine

we took a short break at the first lookout so I could eat some string cheese :)

brandon squinting into the sun and me pretending to be a teapot or something strange as usual

not a bad view though, eh?

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend too!

fabulous day

2011-01-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm having a freaking fabulous day. I've had some pretty crappy days lately so I think a really good one must've been in order.
I got a raise. I am going to making a decent salary this year and in fact (I'm going to make more than my husband). I know that is totally shallow and ridiculous to compare and its OUR money so who cares, but the feminist in me is seriously jumping out of my pants (sorry love - you're still the man! ;) ). Also its not much more than him and I have a graduate degree this year so theres that, but whatever. Lets celebrate when we can, right? I've also got a respectable title (Project Manager - I was a project coordinator before) and thus I'm going to cross off goal #2 on my thirty before 30 list which was to earn a respectable title and pay. The title thing is totally subjective but somehow I feel like I've hit a milestone. WOOT!
Also - beyond getting a raise I totally rocked in three different meetings today. I came prepared and had data to back up some serious suggestions and process improvements and they were all adopted. They were also attended by the big boys (c-suite and board members) and I am just thrilled that I was listened to, taken seriously, and my solutions were actually implemented. I solved some big problems today and I LOVE that I was able to do that.
Lastly - I had a big meeting with my boss and he let me know that with this degree and with me letting him know that I likely won't be in Provo forever, my boss informed me that other departments are biting at the chomp to have me move into some more challenging positions. I really had no idea that others had an interest in me. Most impressive, my boss said that I should consider every opportunity and that some of them are likely a better choice for me long term than what he can offer me. He set up a meeting with him, my VP, our CEO, and two board members, so that they can present me with options and opportunities. I couldn't believe he would do this for me (or that there were so many options for me). I know this comes at a high cost to him but he said he was more interested in doing what was right for me and keeping me at the company than keeping me working under him. Have I ever told you how much I LOVE my boss? He really is amazing and a joy to work for.
I know this all means that some tough decisions are ahead of me. I feel like I love so many things that its hard for me to choose ( I know, I know, rough life right?). But I just feel so happy to be so valued and appreciated. I feel so blessed to have such a fabulous job and a wonderful company to work for. My boss talked to me a little bit about some of the opportunities that he's heard about for me. He mentioned joining the authors of our books and to help conduct research for our studies and future books. He mentioned doing consulting for government clients. He mentioned becoming a trainer. He mentioned moving into a full blown management role in my current department by the end of the year. These all seem like such fabulous opportunities! I kinda want to do all of them. I just love this company so much and except for 1 or 2 people, I really love just about everyone at this company. Amazing right? I feel like I hit the jackpot.
Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as bragging. I just wanted to share my joys like I often share my sorrows. When decision time rolls around, I'll be seeking any wisdom you all have to offer. In the meantime though, lets celebrate together!

onward and upward

2011-01-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last few days in and out of the hospital. I'm not ready to talk about it yet but I'm fine. It was a weird end to the year except for this little nugget that I learned - when I needed him, he was all there. People use their blogs for all sorts of things and so much of the time its like some weird cyber-trophy place where everyone can brag about life and their kids and whatever else. I'm not here to do that (but maybe I will when I have more to brag about?!) I do want to say, however, that my husband has been absolutely incredible to me and I don't know if I could have made it through these last few heart-wrenching days of the year, let alone the rest of the year, without him. I feel like he wrapped me in this giant, comfortable cocoon of love and it saved me from all of the pain I could've felt. I just truly love that man.
SO
I'm not much for looking back. Its always 'onward and upward' with me, so let me just say that 2010 was a mostly great year. Work was good. School was challenging. Europe was fabulous. Spring, Summer, Fall were eventful and lovely. Church was busy. But most importantly, I think I've improved ever so slightly from this time last year. That's always the ultimate goal. Get better every year.
AND
2011 has a lot to offer. As you probably know I'm a goal junkie. Doug and I wrote down our goals last night and we have a combined total of about 60 goals. :) We separate them out into categories (when I say 'we' I mean "I" make the categories and I make Doug write them down). We have financial goals, spiritual goals, personal, physical, house project goals, etc. They are well thought out and very specific. I don't make goals for goal's sake. I don't write down things that I know will be easily crossed off (those are to-do lists and those are different). So here are some that I can remember -
1. Graduate in May with honors
2. learn how to use my sewing machine over the summer
3. get certified to train CC1 program at my work
4. sell green car/ buy new car
5. buy beginners Chinese language program
6. begin process for 2nd cd

There are many more obviously. We have around 15 - 20 house project goals. We have a bunch of spiritual goals like "read scriptures together as a couple on Sunday mornings". We are aiming to do another Europe trip (shorter one though - 2 weeks) as well as a trip to the east coast in the fall, driving the Appalachian Trail.
So yeah, 2011 should be pretty fabulous.
First up, though, is graduation.
123 days and counting.

weird Christmas and other stuff

2010-12-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

This Christmas has been a bit weird. Or maybe its just been different. Maybe like a pinecone wreath. I think it started with our Christmas tree. We just couldn't get it to stand up straight. We tried everything: sawing a new bottom, adjusting every screw multiple times, trimming branches, etc. Eventually we ended up tying a piece of burlap around it and nailing the burlap to the wall. It still leans quite badly. It does seem, however, that we've come full circle with our tree. The first year we were married and living in government housing (wall to wall linoleum and all) and we were given a branch for a tree by some friends. We got a stand (which it was too small to fit in) and ended up tying a shoe string around it and attaching it to the wall with thumb tacks. So we've upgraded to burlap and a nail but we really haven't come all that far five Christmases later.
Then with school coming right up to the week before Christmas, working until a few days before, and then driving 18 hours to go visit family, and unreliable snow showings in Utah of all places...well its been weird.
Last night Doug and I opened our gifts from each other because tonight we need to pack and prepare and tomorrow we hit the road. In the spirit of weird Christmas I got him
1. a tent that we tried to put together in our kitchen (it was a 2-3 person tent so it should've fit) but it ended up being able to house 9 or so very large humans and the kitchen sink - literally - so we decided to return it. :(
2. a book about screenwriting that he promptly opened and read a random page from in which it said something along the lines of how every screenwriter is divorced or has no family because you have to choose between them and if you are dedicated your family/wife gets the boot. I think I gave him a horrified look and he just set it down gently and moved on to the next gift.
3. a movie which we apparently already had on our fancy download hard drive storage device thingy that I obviously never use and he obviously does.
4. a sweater even though he said he didn't need any clothes because I think it looks good on him
5. lastly, two reese's peanut butter cups. He liked them and I'm pretty sure my most successful gift was a whopping 69 cents. haha
ah well
In the same spirit, he got me almost the exact same sweater as one that his grandparents got me that I asked for. We laughed and decided to make a toast and drink some sparking cider only to discover that we had used all but one of of our goblets for a dinner we had earlier that evening, so we ended up drinking out of the same glass and foregoing the toast. :)
I guess some years just feel more Christmasy then others.
My husband is a fabulous gift giver though - check out some of the things he got me! I LOVE them (and him).
1. A beautiful cakestand that I love (which goes perfectly with the white ceramic one I got for my birthday from some fabulous friends!)

2. This wonderful cookbook with tons of excellent crock pot recipes from Williams - Sonoma

3. These pants from Ann Taylor Loft (they actually have pants that fit people my size - crazy!) and they're called Scuba Pants, how fun is that?!

4. and some slippers!!! (I've been wearing some that my dad left at our house now for about three months and they are about 5 sizes too big)Great gifts, huh! So its been a weird Christmas but its still been great. This time of year can be so stressful but it also reminds me of how incredibly blessed I am to have such a wonderful family and fabulous friends. I'm especially grateful to be done with this past semester. Whew! I'm really hoping next semester isn't so bad. I'm trying to prepare for it now because I know that it will likely be harder. But it will be the last one so that is motivating in and of itself.
I've had a number of questions on the hormone/birth control saga. I think I've finally come down from the roller coaster. Since its been so long since I 've had a regular cycle I've been pretty freaked out not knowing what a normal day count should be. Twice I've gotten myself all worked up that I could be pregnant because I had heartburn or was tired or for whatever reason, only to have a period the next day. So I guess my cycle is a bit longer than average and I can just chill out. (Also, sorry about all the period talk all the time - just telling it like it is). I waffle back and forth between thinking maybe I (or we) could be ready and we should just go for it and then I think about how inconvenient it will be and how I don't know about the timing and all of these other probably-minor-but-seemingly-large concerns. Then I think that if I have doubts then I must not be ready. Then I think thats dumb. Then I get tired of thinking about it and I get back to whatever I was doing. So yeah. Thats that I guess.
Anyway, this post is becoming as weird and random as all of the things I've talked about so I should just stop.
Hope all is well with everyone and if you're reading this, you're probably someone that I would wish a very Merry Christmas to and give you a big hug and tell you I love you (and if I was on top of it enough to do Christmas cards, I would've sent you one) So lets just pretend that I just did that.
ok.
good.
love you people.

on a lighter note

2010-12-10T08:56:00.001-08:00

I'm diggin this song and video right now. A lot.

Have a good weekend.

inner workings of a lost mind

2010-12-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

You remember how I start to question everything in my life when I'm super stressed at the end of the semester? Well why should this one be any different?
I was softly offered a job last week, a really cool and impressive job working for the House of Representatives for the state of Utah. I thought about it a lot and prayed about it and ultimately turned it down. This is ironic in so many ways. For example, I love studying government and I am a firm believer that through it, you can have so much influence and power to effect change for good. But I was offered a chance to be part of it and I turned it down. I think I can have a bigger impact on the government in my job working with the government rather than for it. And in the meantime I will continue to turn down high profile jobs in order to do so.
So I work my hardest in order to do well in school to study a subject about a system of which I am turning down the opportunity to be a more direct part in. This is ironic, right?
The hardest thing about this time of the semester for me is the logic behind why I do what I'm doing. Why am I busting my a** to get this done? Its not going to result in a big raise or promotion and I'm turning down jobs that more directly apply the knowledge I'm gaining. Most concerning, is that it may even be somewhat detrimental to me because I make sacrifices everywhere to go to school. I make sacrifices to my marriage and my home and my church responsibilities and my work in order to go to school. And I get so stressed about the stupid assignments because it is the busy work portion of the education that I'm trying to gain.
I went back to school to gain more knowledge in the study of political science and public administration. I wanted to better understand how my government worked and why sometimes it doesn't. Its a pretty altruistic motive for going to school - which is sometimes the problem at crunch time. My desire to learn is not bettered by my having to write 35 pages in a week about foreclosures and quantity versus quality argumentation in the judicial process. I could tell you everything about it right now and make some pretty sound arguments. I could even quote many, many sources on the subject. And I can write. I can. You may not know it from this dang blog but I can write. So then what? My source of motivation is to be more educated and I make some pretty sound arguments as to why this isn't really enough during the end of the semester and all its hoops.
And if you're thinking that experience is part of education, then I'm with you. I agree. But I've experienced this before. I've already earned a degree. I've already done the crunch thing before. I've jumped through these hoops and I can tell you that writing a 35 page paper is not necessarily indicative of being educated. More than not, its indicative of my being a pawn of the system.
I'm reminded of this speech given by a young valedictorian. She writes:

I am graduating. I should look at this as a positive experience, especially being at the top of my class. However, in retrospect, I cannot say that I am any more intelligent than my peers. I can attest that I am only the best at doing what I am told and working the system. Yet, here I stand, and I am supposed to be proud that I have completed this period of indoctrination. I will leave in the fall to go on to the next phase expected of me, in order to receive a paper document that certifies that I am capable of work. But I contest that I am a human being, a thinker, an adventurer - not a worker. A worker is someone who is trapped within repetition - a slave of the system set up before him. But now, I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position?

And that is precisely where I am at.
Oh there are fruits of my labor already ripe for the picking. I do indeed have more knowledge about the public sector. I am a more sound thinker and have fine tuned my logic. I am moving toward the position and job I think I want at my work and likely would not have had that opportunity if I hadn't made it for myself through further education.
The truth is I thought I needed the system much more than I did. I need that piece of paper to be taken seriously as an expert on government when I'm meeting with governmental clients for my work. But do I? I'm taken seriously now and I don't have that paper.
I think one of the things that I'll take away from graduate school is a lesson I learned long ago from Good Will Hunting (see this scene). You don't necessarily need the system in order to be educated. And I knew that. I really did. There are some truly moronic people who graduate with multiple degrees who were not educated at all. But I've discovered something. I've discovered that I do not need the system.
Of course I will still use it and graduate from it and write this stupid dumb long paper on dumbness. Perhaps I am a product of the system in this way. But I no longer think I will see it as a reflection of education - because I think I've done that on my own, and in many ways DESPITE the education system. I read ALL of the readings because I wanted to. I was never held accountable to them and I certainly didn't need to do so to pass my classes. My book reviews were formatted differently than the rest because I consciously decided that I would rather take a lower grade and have it formatted in a way that serves its utility than have a higher grade by doing it the way the teacher merely preferred. No, I became educated all on my own.
Instead, I believe I will come to reflect upon this degree as the embodiment of determination. In no time at all I'll have an MA/MPA in will power and an education I cultivated by myself.

gift giving

2010-12-03T15:53:00.000-08:00

I love to give gifts. I think my dream job would either be to give gifts to people or to pet animals all day. I like my job but those jobs are fabulous. I'm just about done with my Christmas shopping I've done 99% of it online - I converted this year and I don't know if I'll ever go back. Being able to find the perfect gift at a better price than is available in stores, not having to deal with crowds or parking, and being able to listen to Christmas music and keep a smile on my face while I shop - YES I believe I will. Anyway, I'm really excited about some of the gifts I'm giving this year. I wish I could tell you all of them right now but I'm not sure who all reads this blog (probably just me but sometimes its nice to humor myself) and I don't want to spoil any gifts. I'll tell you two of them though because I know my little nephews don't read this blog.
I am a big fan of children's books. I romantically believe that I will own tons of Caldecott and Newbery Award winning books someday so my future children will have a lovely library just for them (and who am I kidding, for me too - I love them). So I'm really excited about two of the books I got for my nephews.
The first is The Robot Book for my little 2.5 year old nephew. It has moving parts and has a cute little message. It is also really well designed.
The other one is The Incredible Book Eating Boy for my five year old nephew. I now want to own this one too. I should've bought two copies. Its such a great book. It has some GREAT pictures and I really really love the design of the book. Even my husband loved it and thought it was really clever. I think my nephew will love it. He loves books.

Do you love giving gifts? I love when I know I got the perfect gift for someone. So fun.
We just got our tree today at lunch so after my husband's work Christmas Party I'm excited to get home and decorate it. Have a great weekend!