I feel stressed. I feel this way a lot lately. I feel stressed on the way to work because I have a giant surge of testosterone in my body because of two little boys in my stomach and I feel super aggressive in the car. Every little thing on the way to work irks me even though I have the most lovely and calm mornings at home (now that I'm not throwing up every morning).
Then I get to work and I feel stressed at work because I don't feel "in" to my job right now. I am distracted by tons of non-stop movement in my ever increasing belly. I'm distracted by hunger, nagging and un-satisfied constant hunger. I am frustrated at not being able to pursue the training role right now because I can't physically do them and because I have to jump through all sorts of hoops to prove that I work well with people ever since I got those anonymous negative reviews back in July.
I feel frustrated and stressed at home because I can't get as much stuff done as I did previously. I feel tired and just want to lay down but then I see my husband doing all 500 things that I was supposed to be doing and I feel guilty. I should do more. How will it all get done if I don't?
I feel stressed about having babies that I don't know how to take care of.
I feel stressed about all the "stuff" I need for babies that I don't even know about. How do I choose a breast pump? What if I have milk issues and I don't even end up using it and I spend all this money on it? What if I end up feeding them like every 2 seconds and I can never sleep and I end up hating them?
How does someone choose a car seat? How much should I trust online reviews? How do you get a baby in a car seat?
And thats nothing compared to the incessant worry about
are the boys ok? what if something happens to them? what would I do? how would I cope? What if one is way bigger than the other? What if they hate each other? What if I can't make it to at least 35 weeks and they end up in the NICU for weeks on end? How are we going to afford two babies?
And then I feel guilty for feeling stressed because I know its not good for the babies.
And on top of it all EVERYONE wants to give me advice. I listened, at first, with ready and eager ears. "Oh, yes of course I should read that book" or "Yeah, make it all business when you have twins because there's no time for cuddles with 2 at a time. Got it."
after a while I just felt annoyed. Maybe its because of all the testosterone in my body but mostly now I just want to punch people. Why does everyone feel the need to tell me how to raise children I don't even have yet? Why does everyone want to tell me what I can and can't do as a pregnant woman?
"oh a boat. No, no. Don't go on a boat"
"a slide. Definitely not. Pregnant women shouldn't go on slides"
"fish? are you sure you want to eat that?
"you need to be drinking this much water"
"pee this many times a day"
"make sure you get enough sleep"
"don't eat junk food. What you eat now is what your babies will crave later in life"
"you should listen to classical music everyday"
And why does everyone tell me how hard its going to be? I'm so tired of hearing that. I GET IT! HOLY HELL I GET IT! But for someone who waited 7+ years to have a kid telling me how effing hard its going to be DOESN'T HELP ME. It makes me dread their arrival. Its hard now but man alive, its going to be the worst time of my life I guess when they are born. Yeesh!
And the worst part is that I feel unsure of myself all the time. I haven't felt unsure of myself since I was a teenager. I don't know how to be a responsible pregnant woman. And I'm already responsible for these little lives and every single thing I do can potentially affect them. It's a lot of pressure.
So that's why I'm feeling stressed.
Interior Visual Poetry
7 hours ago